tumble, tumble, tumble

I'm not sure I'll make it my regular,
but I love the layout so much more.

http://janaerhianna.tumblr.com/

no one knows; will they ever know?

I will never feel like I have succeeded.
I will always feel like a failure.

If there weren't so many people that I cared about, and that cared about me, I would have no problem ending my life. There are so many negative connotations of death, but I honestly believe there is something bigger and better after you die. I don't know what it is, but I want to find out.

I don't know about destiny, but I believe in fate.

Let me live in the stars and eat chocolate strawberry waffles all the time. That is my dream. But I will miss the little things.

you said that i will be okay

I realized something last night. I do deserve someone who admires my good heart. I do deserve someone who treats me well. I deserve someone so much better than you, and you aren't even all that bad of a person. I am okay with being alone right now. I'm finding my way out of what seems to be a never-ending maze. I'm alright. Everything is going to be okay.

I hope Mitzi is in a wonderful place with endless amounts of Kongs and her hip problems and tumors are all gone, and she is running around and smiling her little heart out. I hope Hunter is there, and if he is, I hope they reunited and are having as much fun as they always had together.

Hollywood, here I come. Tonight should be an adventure!

i thought this wouldn't hurt a lot

i guess not

Something is missing.

you were the sun

i was the one who worshipped you

Went to my first baseball game tonight. 2nd row box seats. LA Dodgers vs. AZ Diamondbacks. Had two Dodger dogs, screamed, jumped, and danced a lot. Picked a favorite because Tiffany and Avalon told me to. Picked Loney. After the 8th inning, helper guy told us that after Loney and some guy from the other team were done throwing the ball, Loney was gonna throw it in our direction so to jump and yell his name a lot. Did as he said. Loney looked right at me and threw it towards me/us. Went the row behind us. Tiffany's dad was sitting there (by then we had moved over and up a row) and it bounced off his hand, hit Tiffany's head, fell on the floor, and I picked it up and started jumping and screaming. I got on the screen! Made my entire night. Amazing amazing amazing. I just need an autograph now. Next time, huh? :)






I love you, Mitzi. I miss your whine, babygirl.

there's no address in the stars

I keep thinking she's coming back. I miss telling her all of my secrets. This isn't fair. There are horrible people out there with dogs who really don't deserve them. Why does mine have to be taken away?

maybe we're not meant to be

I don't want to grow up. Fly me to Neverland with you, Peter.

time is standing still

"You will be feeling lots of conflicting emotions today, which might confuse and frustrate you. So instead of listening to your heart, start paying more attention to your brain. Move these emotional thoughts into your head so you can look at them more analytically. Getting your feelings organized will help you understand them better and send you into a much more productive phase. So instead of reacting to your feelings, start dissecting them."
-Pisces Daily Extended Horoscope from Yahoo

everything means nothing

R.I.P. Mitzi
(November 9th, 1997 - May 1st, 2009)

I don't even know what to say yet. I missed you before you were gone. I haven't cried this much and that hardly in a very long time. I love you so much. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye.

let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters

I have absolutely no motivation to write this paper (whatever, it's only a rough draft anyway). I am not even all that tired. Sleep sounds good and my bed sounds comfortable; that's all. I honestly want to write a paper (not right now, though) about how stupid papers are and how I have better things to do with my time like find the meaning to life. If I was high...oh, if I was high....


I have a problem with cravings. Like, is it possible to be a cravaholic? I am almost always craving something or other!

a lifetime of love in a matter of seconds

Every time I say goodbye to Grayson, I ask him for kiss, a hug, or even just a "knuckle shake" (in teen terms, pound it). He almost never gives me any of those; occasionally I'll get a knuckle shake. But today, my mom had come to pick me up from my sister's house after work. We were all just standing in the dining room and my sister was holding Grayson, and he leaned in to kiss me. It was the sweetest thing. I will forever cherish that moment. I wasn't even leaving at that moment, and he gave me a kiss. But of course, as I do go to leave, and my sister says "Grayson, give Janae a kiss and a hug, or a knuckle shake," he does as he usually does (or does NOT, rather) and didn't give me any of them. I didn't even care this time though. That one kiss will last me a lifetime. I love my nephew so much. I can't wait till he gets older and I drive and I can take him to Legoland!

the truth is hiding in your eyes

and it's hanging on your tongue



My ipod is being stupid.
I am craving a peach arizona.
Tiffany is coming to pick me up in like ten minutes.

I wish it was Juuuuune.
(license, possibly a car, chspe, EDC, summer!)









Btw, I hate when people say btw like"b-t-w." It's by the way.
Talk like a human being or get the hell away from me.


I wish I was an alien.
Catdog was probably an alien.
Lucky.

don't you say you're leaving

why don't you stay a little bit longer
got it going on and i just can't believe it
this feeling it just keeps getting stronger

I miss him, but don't think I don't miss you, too. Because I really do, and I'm sure my feelings are still there...but I told you that I didn't want to hurt you. I am ready to open up to you about a lot of things, and I want to tell you the story about him and me. Are you ready to hear it? I hope so. It will explain a lot to you probably and maybe you'll understand better why I did what I did. You are one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I mean that with my whole heart. It's just really complicated. Everything is so fucking complicated. FML.

i need a little more, i think

because enough is never quite enough
what's enough?





It is so easy to just sit here.
To think, and sit, and think, and sit.
Staring at the ceiling and I feel dead alone.
Lost, but I know where I belong.
Finally.

What is the problem?
Is there a problem?
Define problem.

Life is always about defining, and learning,
and winning, and losing, and living, and dying.

What's the point?
What's enough? like the song says.

I want to find the answers.
But I don't even know what the questions are.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing
would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And
contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would.
You see? It would be so nice if something made sense for a change."
- Alice In Wonderland




If life is the question, what is the answer?

now it's time to show who i wanna be

you tried to take the best of me
you try to take the best of me
you held me down
watched me down on my knees
but you know i get through
so right now what's next
what is to do
feel the love
feel the love that's lost
and lay the blame on you
i better find another love
that is really true

I had such an incredible weekend. Definitely one of the most amazing ones I've ever had, and it for sure included the best night of my life. I have never had so much fun!

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Life is a whirlpool of lies and and fuck ups.

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mobile blog 1

Cool! I can post blogs from my phone now! This is awesome. Hahaha. I am so weird.

and though you're out of sight,

you're never, ever out of my mind

I have lived in Simi my entire life, and so that is mostly why I want to get away. But I am pretty sure I'll probably come back here in the future and raise my kids here. It's a nice place to grow up. Although when you're a teenager, you will probably get into trouble. Most of them do, here. It's only because there is nothing better to do. But just because people do stupid things and have bad family life environments, doesn't make them a bad person. If I moved to go live in a neighborhood where almost every family was "perfect" and all the kids were good because they never knew anything else, I'm sure eventually a "bad" family would move to said neighborhood, and the "good" children would get a glimpse of that family's "bad"children, and they would feel extremely superior. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want my kids thinking they are better than anyone else just because their family life isn't screwed up and they don't make stupid choices like many people do. I think that's why, in the end, I will come back to Simi and raise my children here. I've met some amazing people, despite their choices and their family lives. They are real. That is what I want my kids to know. I want them to know people who are real, and who have experienced things and can teach them about life. After all, life is just a bunch of lessons. Until we learn them all, we won't find the bigger picture.

life of the lifeless

It's nice that we can all be mature and forget about the past and have a good night together, even if we did get arrested. I am still lost, but these moments help.

we have no conscience

It doesn't feel right to call anyone. I never feel like anyone is there for me anymore. And even if they say they are, they don't really listen. Or if they do, they are just thinking to themselves that my problems are nothing in comparison to theirs'.

I want to run away and grow up and live in an apartment all alone. Alone and afraid, of everything and nothing. I won't even have a pet to keep me company, because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to take good enough care of it, since I obviously don't even know how to take care of myself.

Can I be honest? I don't want to be your friend anymore.
Can I be honest? That fear of commitment is hitting me again, and taking up all the space in my head. It is the only thing I can think about. Run, run, just run away. It's what you know best, Janae.
Can I be honest? I feel like I am too different to fit in with anyone. Even when I feel like someone understands, I am proven wrong yet again. No one understands me. I wonder if anyone ever will.

Now is one of those times where, in a heartbeat, I would go back in time if I could. I would change everything. I don't like being lost anymore. I'm so lost that I don't know where I belong.

so go on, and tear me apart

I'm sick of pretending like everything is okay. I've said this before, so why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep pretending?

Even as I feel like I'm getting stronger and stronger, something happens to make me feel weak again. What the fuck is wrong w/ me?

I feel hated and hated and hated.



I just want to be loved. Once and for all.

we can talk without the words

I love Sarah and Riley. They are really great friends. Even though we had a falling out, they are still there for me. They came to see me today after school, because I asked if they could. They even brought me my favorite kind of shake: Neapolitan Shake from In-N-Out! It was definitely the highlight of my day being able to see them and talk about things in my room. Like old times, except at my house instead of Sarah's house.

Now I have to change because my mommy and I are going to the grocery store.

Mashed potatoes tonight? I hope so!

my heavy soul can't stand the light

Fuck you.

Fuck you for saying I didn't make you feel better.
Fuck you for saying that I didn't even make an effort.

I tried. Obviously that's worth nothing to you.

i think that possibly, maybe, i'm falling for you

It kind of sucks that I wanted to go to the beach with you today, and instead you went with someone else. Even though we technically had plans. But who am I to be angry? I'm obviously just being selfish, and I am getting over upset over nothing.

Fuck that. I will be upset if I want to.

so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Although I'm pretty confident and set on who I am, I still feel like I have much soul-searching to do. I don't know if I can do that with someone on my side. I think that it something I need to do on my own. I like you, more than you probably realize, but I am just nervous. I'm not sure if this is what I want right now. I mean, I want you. I really do. Everything I have said to you has been 110% true, and while we are on the same path, I still have many stepping stones to pass along the way, and I don't want to hold you back. I also don't want you to pull me farther forward than I'm ready to handle.

we wasted all our free time alone

Death is an indescribable thing. I have had friends lose family members and friends, and I have always been there for them. But even as I go through it another time, I still never know what to say. There isn't much you can say, or do, and even if I feel like I'm saying all the right things, it just seems as if I'm causing more pain for that person. I hope that isn't what I'm doing, because I really am just trying to help and be there as much as I can. But maybe what they really need is to be alone. To have time to think. I know there is always denial inside, and so they need time to accept it and move on. I guess I just want to be there in the process. To lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, and so on. I am trying. Maybe too hard?

I am here. I will always be here. I love you.

there isn't anybody else exactly quite like me

I haven't been this happy in a while. But it feels like last time did, and we all saw how that turned out. Everything seemed perfect, and then I ended up getting hurt again like usual. Serves me right, perfection doesn't exist. If you ever think everything is perfect, you will always be wrong. Although it feels like last time, it doesn't feel perfect. I hope it never does. I like the way things are right now. I like the way they are going.

I hope you're still kissing me in your mind, like you said you were last night. I'm still kissing you in mine.

"Tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true"

you were out of my league

at a distance that I didn't want to see

For some reason, when I go to bed normally, the area around my wisdom tooth and the actual tooth itself, hurt really badly in the morning. Like I was chewing on my cheek or grinding my teeth during the night, and that's why. But when I go to bed high, like last night, my teeth didn't hurt in the morning. Wtf? Maybe I'm just paranoid and it really has nothing to do with being high. But maybe it does, and I figured out something awesome! Hahaha. I don't know.

Working today and then tonight I am seeing Little Shop of Horrors with Avalon. Then tomorrow I am cleaning my bathroom and bedroom all day long and then going on a date :)

i'm a troublemaker, never been a faker

Sometimes I am afraid to post certain things in my blogs in fear that someone I know who doesn't normally read it, reads that entry that they just so happen to be featured in. But I am sick of being afraid. I am going to be truthful and raw and human, and speak my mind.

I really like hanging out with you, and I hope we become better friends. But I feel like you don't trust me and so you don't really tell me very much about you or your life. I don't know. Maybe it's because we haven't really hung out that many times yet, but maybe you really don't trust me. I want you to know, though, that I am one of the most nonjudgmental and trustworthy people you will ever meet. I know it's hard to believe that right off the bat, but I hope you will learn it and believe it soon. You're just one of those people that I feel really comfortable around. Someone with whom I can be myself. You know?

M.J. is the love of my life. Seriously.

I cannot wait to have my license and a car. Life is going to be so free, even though I have so much work to do this summer and will probably have hardly any free time. Having a car is freedom enough.

Life is pretty decent right now. I am quite satisfied.
Maybe that's just the wings.

Making out at the tennis courts

It was cute and sweet. It was a nice first kiss. Not the most amazing thing ever. Definitely not a kiss you'd see in a movie. But it is a good memory and I don't regret any of it.

i will stay the same

Lately, you are treating me like I am the biggest hassle in your life. Maybe you should realize that you are lucky I am still your friend, after what you did and how it affected my life. I'll leave you alone when the school year is over, okay? That seems to be what you want.

'How I Paid For College' will crack you up.

Everything. One of the funniest books I've ever read. Take my word for it, and just read it.

i'm not a supermodel, i still eat mcdonald's

Are you that oblivious?

Today has been such a relaxing day. It really sucks that Sierra and Tiffany aren't in Daryl and I's class anymore. But even so, this has been a pretty nice Monday. Which is odd, because Mondays are known to be awful. Especially after a good weekend. Hm.

I can't wait for Spring! Five more days! I love my new dress. The office ladies complimented me on it. They are so kind to meee.

i am confident but i still have my moments

Is it horrible that I'd rather stay at home than hang out with you anymore? You are being a typical, stupid girl. I feel like the worst person for saying all of this, but I can't take it any longer. I can't
go on and keep giving up my nights just to deal with this shit.
I love you to death but it's obvious where your love lies.

March horoscope from Michael Lutin

"Amid the noise and bustle of your worldly life, you are strangely not part of it. It’s almost as if you are watching a movie, even taking part in the action and yet you are not really there. And you certainly have responsibilities you have to meet, people who expect you to show up and be present for their needs and demands and actively participate in the trivial affairs of this world, when your heart, mind and soul are somewhere else. To say you are distracted is an understatement, although that doesn’t mean you are not making a valiant attempt to be a part of the moving, flowing insane stream of human affairs. Oddly, however, you are elsewhere. You are dealing with matters that require you to be off by yourself, not necessarily in another world, but away from the cacophanous nerve-jangling madness that defines so much of our existence. You’ve got so much going on inside that few people if any know about. You put up a good front but with so many planets churning around in your solar twelfth house, one of them being Neptune, your planetary ruler, you need your moments of private meditation to attempt to work out extremely complicated emotional riddles that simply do not have a simple solution. So you can’t be totally present, mainly because people just wouldn’t understand. They would make their judgments and give you advice and prescriptions how to handle the deal. Right now as much as you may seek that sort of support, you can’t really listen very long to anybody. How could you when you are in the process of exploding?"

Source: http://www.michaellutin.com



It seems I have more soul-searching to do this month. Alrighty!

when i'm with him, i am thinking of you

I am seriously considering reclaiming my virginity. Not in a religious way, but for myself. I am in extreme need of a fresh start, and I am so tired of sex that has no feelings attached. I want to wait till I'm in love. It's going to be a tough struggle, and I may need some support here and there, but mostly I am going to do this on my own. I know I can do it. It still isn't a thing I'm 100% sure about, but the percentage is pretty high up there.

That's all I really wanted to say for now. I am really tired, so I'm headed off to my sweet, sweet bed. Mmmmm, sleep.

i guess this is growing up

I am going to start focusing on the more important things in my life. School, driving, my friends, and my family. Boys always seem to be my main focus, and I don't like it anymore. I know what I want, and I will wait patiently for it. I am not going to force anyone to like me, and I'm not going to force myself to like anyone else than the one person that I like. I will continue to go with the flow, like I've been doing. But I am not going to try to get what I want. If I am meant to get it, it will come in time. I have finally accepted that. I am sticking to working hard in school, getting in lots of driving before June, being nicer to my friends and spending more time with them, trying to see my Dad more often, and not giving my Mom so much attitude.

The partying lifestyle is great every once in a while, but I need to focus on the important stuff right now. I can't risk my future anymore. I have too many goals that I want to accomplish.

i'm so far gone now

I have reached 100 posts. This one will make it 101. I am really quite proud of myself. I need to start writing more though. Haven't been updating you guys on my super exciting life. Later, if I have time.

Shopping with Serina, getting my eyebrows waxed, not sure what I'm doing after that, and then hanging out with Grayson for a few hours while the adults play Texas Hold 'Em.

Drunken Apples to Apples is the best fucking game ever. Girls night was so much fun :) I love my friends a whole lot.

Homesick in Arizona.

I missed my bed, I missed my friends, and mostly I just missed Simi.

I am always complaining about how much it sucks here, and how I can't wait to get away, but I am so afraid to leave. It's comfortable and I know my way around. It's all I know. It's home.

SIMS 3!

give me one reason to stay here

My mom was just on the phone with her boyfriend, and after their conversation was over, she said "I love you, too." I have no idea what I should be thinking right now. They have only been together for about a month, and she isn't even legally divorced from my dad yet. I miss my dad so much. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could live with him, just so he wouldn't be alone. Ugh. What the fuck?

live, love, die

If you are going to do stupid shit, like heroin, I am not going to want to be around you. Getting fucked up on pills and doing coke all the time, I'm not into that. You guys are my friends and I love you no matter what, but I am going to stick with weed. Even getting drunk every weekend, that's too much for me. Every once in a while is fun, but I don't need to drink to have fun. Weed is definitely the drug for me. I may not smoke weed my entire life, but I'm in high school and I like weed and I'm good for now. Life moves on and things will happen, but I am not going to hang out with people who do those dumb things.




R.I.P. Ant. You were a cool guy.

mistakes become regrets

It's hard to look back on how happy I was, and then look at how unhappy I am now. Things are so different. What happened? I don't think I've ever been that happy. I hope I can find that happiness once again. I'm trying to be patient. But it's really hard.

I like you. I thought you liked me. I guess we'll see what happens. You're a great guy, but you confuse me to no end. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It feels like a bad one, but I could be wrong.

I'm wrong quite often.


What is love, anyway?

i'll never be the same, i'll tell you for sure

It never leaves.

Pizzatopia, wearing your coat, Mud Man's house, Denjin arcade, when you first put your arm around me, falling asleep next to you, free ice cream, making that face at you, your laugh, your smile, the way you rocked out to your music in your car, listening to Circa Survive and just holding each other, keeping you out way past curfew, when you mouthed the words along with the song "Ecstasy" and sang it to me.

"You really are my ecstasy,
My real life fantasy"

How are those feelings mutual for a month,
and then just disappear for you and not me?
That isn't fair.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.



Go away.
Leave me alone.
I want to be done.

i've never seen you fall so hard

Nobody wants an obsessive girl.
But I am who I am.



OWNERS MANUAL

"At the bottom of the pile
buried, and missing a cover
there is a book.
It isn’t a popular book
and the author’s name
you’d never know.
But it is truly a work of art
written just for you.

Inside, somewhere near the middle pages,
there is a sentence
that best describes your life
and answers all the questions you’ve ever had.

Pure poetry.

It’s remarkable.

You’d agree.

Sadly,
you’ll never read it
because it is getting late
and you have work in the morning
and you are already thinking about
how to beat traffic."

-Dallas Clayton

i wanna be forgotten

but i don't wanna be reminded

1. I have so many great memories, but the feelings attached to them are some of the worst feelings I've ever felt. It is impossible not to be reminded of you. The littlest things spark a thought in my mind, an old memory, one good day among many amazing ones. All I can think about anymore is how much I wish I could go back, and how I will never be able to. Things leave, people leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody. I will never forget you, but I need to forever let you go. I am trying with every inch of strength I have, but it's hard. One of the toughest things I've ever tried to do, and had to do.

2. I was so unsure of everything earlier today, and seeing you just now cleared so many of my cloudy thoughts from the sky that is my mind. Maybe I still don't know exactly what I want, but I at least know this.....you are amazing. Don't ever forget that, babe.

3. You are a truly great guy. I may not know you as well as your family and friends do, but I can see it in you. You are an all around great person. I adore you, I really do.....but the thing is, there are too many cons with our situation. And you deserve a talented, beautiful (on the inside and out), kind virgin. It's the truth.

4. I know that you originally didn't really want me to go today, but I hope we are friends. We are in my opinion, but I don't know about yours.

5. I wish you didn't like me so much. You're a great friend to me, but you don't deserve the pain that you already know is going to come. You will make some girl very happy one day.







P.S. Epiphany! The day you can say you have moved on, is the day you realize the reason behind something bad that happened to you. I hope whoever reads that understands it.

THE NEXT FOUR DAYS

ARE GOING TO BE AMAZING.

Tonight - Dinner at my house with family, family friends, and a couple friends of my own. Chi Chi's Pizza for dinner and a cake from Baskin Robbins for dessert!

Tomorrow - DISNEYLAND. With Jessica, Jolena, Tiffany, and Avalon. Then Bj's for dinner. My FAVORITE restaurant. Free pizookie just for me! :)

Saturday - Possibly the beach with Keri and Serina...and others?
Saturday night - Show at the BGC! I get to see Jonny! :D

Sunday - I have no clue but I want to go on an adventure.





I am so excited. I hope this weekend turns out to be a blast, like I'm expecting it to be! I haven't been getting my hopes up about anything lately, besides this.

<3
Seventeen. Finally.

we're so different now

I'm sick of half the people in this town. Most of them are liars, fakes, bitches, skanks, and assholes. I want to leave Simi Valley and make new friends, somewhere else. Keeping the good ones by my side, obviously. But leave all the fucked up people to do what they do best, where they do it best.

I want a new start in a new place with some new people.
Where I can become a new me.
But stay the same Janae that I am inside.






That sounds fucking amazing.

broken inside

It's really sad when people read my depressing blogs and then they don't comment on them. It may sound selfish to you, but I would like to feel cared about. Or at least know that someone is out there, listening. But whatever. C'est la vie, I guess.

Learning to live is learning to let go.

EPIC BALLAD

"A powerful song
is one
that makes me remember
something
that never actually happened to me."

-Dallas Clayton





I had an alright day.
I wish it was my birthday already, though.
I am a tad stressed and a lot confused.

who will be the one who's there?

Amen.

who will be the one to save me from myself?

I remember when it was "You're not experienced enough." Now it's "You're too experienced." Where did the days go? Days turn into nights, and nights turn into days. They all seem to blend together. I'm never good enough. I'm never pretty enough, I'm never smart enough, I'm never outgoing enough. I'm too weird, I'm too annoying, I'm too me. I'm sick of being pushed around and stepped on and I hate when people tiptoe around my feelings and are extremely obvious about it. I hate when I have no one to cuddle with, and when guys tell me they like me and then go hook up with other girls. I mean, I guess I do the same thing and it's kinda fucked up but it should be like common courtesy. I think the only reason I even do it is because guys do the same shit to me and I already know it's gonna come eventually so why not screw it up before it even gets started. But where is the logic in that? My mind works in the fucking craziest ways and I can't even explain it. I just wish someone understood. I wish someone was honestly there for me. Everyone always says they are and they act like they are showing it but they really aren't. I know when someone truly cares and is truly there for me. And to be frank, it sure doesn't feel like anyone is really there. I'm alone. Sitting in a dark corner with my hands neatly folded in my lap and no one to talk to. My voice is gone. I can't talk, even if I wanted to. It's like I was never even taught to speak. It is so aggravating and frustrating and every emotion imaginable. But most of all, it is lonely. It is really lonely sitting in this dark corner. All alone. By myself. Like always.

they don't know how long it takes

waiting for a love like this

Maybe I was destined for bigger and better things.
Maybe I wasn't.





All I know, is that this is my life.
And the only way it is going to change, is if I change.

i wanted you to stay here holding me

Leaving town to Arizona gave me a lot to think about. Life is too short.

My Daily Singles horoscope for today from Yahoo, is very interesting. "Now's a great time to empower yourself. Life is a series of choices -- nothing more, nothing less. If you're not where you want to be as far as work or romance, it's time to make some changes. So put a lid on the blaming, rationalizing and minimizing already. It's about personal responsibility." It is very true, actually. Everything is about choices, and personal responsibility. And as far as romance, I am not where I want to be. So I am going to do just as my horoscope tells me, and make some changes. I have already started, really. I have just been going with the flow and doing what I want, but like it tells me, I need to stop blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. I think and analyze everything way too much.

so tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?

Every day I wonder.....would you still laugh if I made that face at you?

you make it easier when life gets hard

I miss how you used to light up when I made you laugh. I miss making that face at you, you know the one, and it cracked you up every time. I miss the way you held my face with both your hands when you kissed me, the way I love. I miss talking to you. I miss feeling so comfortable around someone that I could say, do, and act however I wanted. I miss being around you. I miss the butterflies. Most of all, I miss you. You, who blew me off like it wasn't any big deal. You, who still, to this day, won't tell me the real reason you stopped liking me. I know you didn't just randomly stop. I know there had to be something. Anything. It doesn't even matter what it is, anymore. I just want to go back. I want to start over. But sadly, there is no chance of that. No matter how much the same it felt when I saw you. It will never be the same, because you won't let it. I know you won't let it. I want you back, and you weren't ever mine to begin with.

take time to realize

I try so many times
but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago
that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head
and crazy
but I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fear's on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
but It's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling

Life plays so many games inside of me
and I've had some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
but it's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire....



The bold parts are how I feel.

"One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillat, if you were wondering.

it's too late, they won't let go

When I don't think about you, you are free from my world. But when I do think about you, I can't help but miss you. We clicked. I thought we really had something special. I don't know how to move on.

we're going down like sinking ships

As I sit in my computer chair with my bedroom door open, I look at my dog and think..."Does she know how much I love her?" Sometimes I don't show it enough. Sometimes I forget that dogs have feelings, too. Dogs are just like people. I worry about my dogs the way I worry about my family and friends. I hope she knows I love her more than grass loves the rain. She's my baby.

I learn something new every day. Valuable to my life, or not. Today I learned that I can be a really great friend. I am putting this to use as of right now!

I'm trying. Day after day, I'm trying.

the evenings are calm, but i'm restless

A bunch of random thoughts:

Labels ruin things. I miss Sarah, and I'm afraid I've lost her forever. He hasn't been texting me back.
What is love like? Maybe I don't want to know. I like being single. But I want to be someone's "one and only."

Ice water is so refreshing.

I want to write so much right now, but I have to go to bed. Waking up early tomorrow morning because of Job Shadow Day. How exciting! Not. Smoking weed before though, so that should make it so much better.

you're taking over my mind

"I would like to make a quilt

as heavy as those vests you have to wear
when they take your x ray at the dentist
only full of small flowers instead of lead
like a lavender potpourri,
but big enough to cover my entire bed
and me as well.

No reason for this.
No marketing plan.

Just think it would feel nice.
Like being hugged
by a giant friend."

-Dallas Clayton (DallasClayton.com)

I really like this. It makes me feel comfortable and warm.

It is my cousin Daniel's birthday. Happy Birthday, Daniel!
He will probably not read that but it's okay, I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I am just continuing to dig myself into a deeper hole. Every second of every day, I sit and listen and I don't learn. I never learn. Why is that?

My mom has a new boyfriend. His name is Ted. He is cool.

My dad ordered my laptop. A Dell Studio 17. Jet black. I'm excited. But the ship date is February 16th. That is too far awaaaaay. Grrrr. I have patience problems.

I have a 3 page essay to write on The Jungle and I don't want to do it. I have to, and I will, but I really don't want to. Not looking forward to it at all. Ugh.

i'm only fooling myself

It's nice to have secrets from people. FINALLY.

I'll write more tomorrow.

i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

We are so alike. Especially the way our minds work. You make me feel so comfortable and giggly. It should feel wrong, but it doesn't. I deserve to be happy, too. It's not even that I like you. I don't know you well enough yet. But you read my mind like no one else can. I keep trying to figure you out, but you told me there's nothing to figure out. You put everything out on the table. I like that. It's something new. Right now, I'm just living in the moment. I have fun with you and that's all that matters to me. It doesn't even matter what anyone else thinks. I am smiling and I will continue to smile.

Truth.

1. I feel like we're drifting apart, and I don't know what to do about it. I think it's because of him, and I hate saying that because I know you're happy...but I really think that's the reason. I liked you better when you were single. Is that so horrible of me? I'm glad you're happy and oh so in love, but I want to go back when I was the one person that could make you laugh and smile when you were having a bad day. Your best friend. Not the second person. Especially since he sees you ten times more each week than I do.

2. You're a really nice guy, and I have fun when we hang out. But I am not ready to even start seeing someone, and I don't want to give you the wrong idea. I need to focus on myself right now. I don't like who I am as a person, let alone love, and I need to change that. I need me-time. I really am so sorry. On the possibly-one-day-bright-side, if it's meant to be, it will happen...eventually.

3. Your story doesn't match up with hers. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me which of you is lying. I don't care if it's you, I won't be mad. What happened with that whole thing...it saved me. I honestly don't know where I'd be if it hadn't happened. Far, far, much farther down this road, I'm sure. I need closure. I need to know the truth.

4. I need you. And you need me. We need each other. I wish you weren't grounded. There is so much I have to tell you...I don't even know where to start. Sorry I haven't been texting lately. I haven't really been texting too many people lately, so you're not the only one. Don't worry. I love you and I miss you and like I said, I need you. I am lost. I am still so lost.

5. I hope you don't look down upon me for what I did. I know you feel awkward about the whole situation, and so do I. But shit happens. I love you and I hope you still love me. We're family. And we always will be. Right?

6. I hate that you're back to ignoring me. I thought we were finally okay. Just because he's out, it's gonna start back up again? I know I tried to make amends with him, and I will continue to try, but why do you have to ignore me because of it? You even finally said you loved me again...



I might write more later...but I need to shower and eat breakfast.

Having parties at your own house is the most exhausting thing ever.

Kyle Dietz's mother and father are my two favorite people on the planet.

I don't know if it is all the alcohol I drank on Saturday night, or if I'm getting sick, but I've been having stomach issues the past two days. Pepto Bismol isn't helping and you're not supposed to use it for more than 2 days, so I don't know what to do. Sorry if that's too much information for your liking, but I am worried.

I have so much more to say, but no time to say it.

Gym, kindergartners, school work, and then home sweet home.

i won't leave this way again

My Daily Extended horoscope for today, from Yahoo, sounds really great:

"Your intense emotions are starting to mellow out quite a bit today, which should make your day a very easy one compared to recent weeks. Instead of getting worried that things aren't going to go the way you want them to go, you will be able to relax and accept things as they are. Clarity is now controlling your thought processes, not confusion. This means that you will be able to see every challenge as an opportunity, instead of a test you have to pass. Happiness is much easier to achieve."

Mmmmm.

what's next?

I'm sorry, but I hate how one day she pisses you off and the next you are all buddy-buddy with her.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand how fake you are towards me.
I'm sorry, but it really wasn't fucking fair and you know it.

Actually, I'm not sorry.



Today I wrote a poem. I think it's pretty lame, but here goes...

Maybe

Maybe there's an answer,
Maybe there's a way,
Maybe he will stick around for just one more day.

Maybe I can sing,
Maybe I can dance,
Maybe he will decide to give it another chance.

Maybe we will find it,
Maybe we won't,
Maybe we already know...maybe we don't.

-Janae Lewis

birthdays are not stupid

I am turning 17 this year and I want to make it one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Friday, the 27th (my actual birthday), I am going to Disneyland with Jessica and Tiffany. Since I get in free on my birthday! Go sign up, and you can too! Saturday I'm not sure what I'm doing but I want to have a really exciting, adventurous day and an even better night. Sunday I would like to relax and maybe go to the beach with a large group of friends. That sounds like a fantastic birthday to me. I don't want any drama on my birthday or during my birthday weekend and I hope there is none. But we'll see.

I look really cute and chic today. Hehe. I love my new coat!

Janae-ness

I've been reading about Buddhism lately. Surprisingly, I have learned a lot. Buddhists believe living is suffering. "Suffering is caused by craving or attachments to worldly pleasures of all kinds." So until I stop craving, I will suffer. There is so much more, but basically there is a path to enlightenment and you need to find peace within yourself in order to achieve Nirvana. And I realized.....the reason that I'm unhappy in life right now, is probably that I'm in fact unhappy with myself. So I am going to start doing things for me, and not other people. I need to focus on Janae time. And that is what I'm gonna do.

On another note, I've started hanging out with a new guy. I'm not sure where it's going to go but he really likes me and I don't know where I stand in the whole thing quite yet.

Turns out, my dad has to work on Saturday. Which means I'm not going to his house this weekend. But that's okay, because my mom is going out of town! But Clinton is still being an asshole to me and I am sick of it. Why are boys so lame?

I need a man.

i'll drink to that, let's drink to that

I sit here and I don't know what to write.

I don't want to miss him, but I do. And now there's this great guy that seems very interested in me, and he's perfect on paper but I feel like he's too nice. Why is that always the case with them for me? Too nice means not good enough? In my head, I guess so. Clinton was the exception, and he's gone. I need to wake up and realize that. He is not going to come back to me.

I really worry about my Dad. I hope he's doing alright.

I forgot how much I love McFly.

I wish I had money so I could be more stylish. Speaking of money, I spent this week's lunch money on fucking pizza and breadsticks and soda at Bobbi's house on Saturday night. Greaaaaat. I guess I'll starve this week. Ugh.

your heart has a lack of color

Shower, get ready, meat project, spark notes, and then school.
Only five more days till I can maybe get a laptop! Eeeee!

I want to meet some new people. Maybe a cute boy.
I just really feel a lot happier when I like someone.
It's a problem.

dads are cool

I love my Daddy. He said if I can get past my probationary period at school, which is only until the end of next week, and the results are good, he will buy me a laptop! I am going to work even harder now that I know this. Ah! Life is a bit better already.

believe that i can change

I miss sitting in Ben & Jerry's, listening to the radio, waiting for you to get off work. I miss squinting my eyes and looking up at you, just to make you laugh. That face. That face that you loved. What happened? I know what happened, but it's really hard for me to accept it. I just wish you felt like you could be honest with me. I can handle the truth. Why does no one ever believe me?

This doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right.
But it doesn't feel WRONG. Why not? It should...shouldn't it?

It's weird to think that I had finally found someone who made me happy. And it slipped out of my grasp, and he's making someone else happy now, I'm sure. It just sucks. I don't know how to move on. That is my biggest lesson in need of learning. How to move on. I have always "moved on" by finding someone new. But that isn't healthy! Because it is a never ending cycle of falling and getting hurt.

On another note, as happy as I am for Bobbi, I hardly ever get to see her anymore. When I do see her, it's always the three of us. We don't ever get alone time anymore. And I like alone time with Bobbi. I mean, she's my best friend. Of course I need to have some alone time with her, to update her on my life and shit. I don't know...I just hate being the third wheel. Don't mean to complain, but there I go again. Complaining.

All I find myself wanting to do lately is sleep my problems away. I'd rather dream about my problems than actually have to deal with them while I'm awake. When I am awake, all I wanna do is run away. Get away from this place and find peace within myself. Because I'm truly unhappy. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what to do about any of it.

there's gotta be more to life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

by Stacie Orrico



This song describes everything that is going on in my head.
And I was thinking if she could possibly be a Pisces like myself...
To my shocking surprise, she is.
Unbelievable. It's no wonder!

hello seatle, i am an albatross

I think that next weekend I am going to go see my dad. And I know it'd be a lot easier if I took a friend along, but I don't want to. Not the first weekend, at least. I knew I'd miss him, but I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I really miss him. He always made me feel like I was still his little girl. I miss that. I miss sweet-talking him into buying me ice cream. I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to lose my dad permanently...

Starting this week, I'm going to be working for my sister on Fridays from 11am-3pm. Some days I can work more or work less but that is my main schedule. Which means I'll be making $32 per week. But I need to save it up, so I can pay Tiffany back and so I can save up for my car.

I have a 3 page response paper, that I have not started on, due Wednesday. But I can't concentrate on it because I am depressed and stressed. I don't and won't show it, but I am. I know I am. I can feel it inside me. It's like I'm breathing invisible fire. I don't know what that means but it made sense in my head.

is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?

It's hard to be friends with two best friends who are now pretty much enemies, and can't stand to be around each other. It's hard to see my Dad come into the house and feed the cats and dogs, and everything seems normal again for a second. It's hard to talk to "him" when I know he's lying to me, and I can't say anything. It's hard to try and concentrate on my school work, when all of these thoughts are constantly racing in my head. All I want to do is "eat, sleep, repeat."



I never imagined that the life of a hermit would even cross my mind.
I have always dreamed of traveling all over, meeting tons of new faces, and exploring different cultures. But this is a really fucked up world. And I don't know if I can face it on my own.

HOW?

How does it go from THIS:

"I'm not looking for a hookup, I want someone who will be there for as long as they can."
"The only job I have is scooping ice cream so I think you'd fit right in."
"Kiss you back. Silly :)"
"It's different, I hardly know you, but I'm always so comfortable and warm when I'm with you. It's mesmerizing :)"
"I can think of a lot of places where I wanna kiss you ;)"
"Your stomach, your forehead, your hands, your sweet lips, and of course some butterfly kisses =)"
"I wanna hold you in my arms"
"You make me smile :) I can't stop thinking of your beautiful eyes and the way your hair smells when I hug you and how we hold each other in my freezing car at night!"

"He likes you I hope you know"
"He said you're a really chill chick"
"He said you're really cute too"


to THIS, in a matter of 1 1/2 weeks:

"You're just not my type and I really did like you, it's just things change when you get to know someone. And that you shouldn't throw yourself at every guy that comes along. And I don't wanna make this hard on you cause I know you're going through a difficult time. With the new school and your parents splitting. But I don't want us to stop talking and things be hostile between us."
"...I just thought you rushed it too fast. You're just not the girl I'm looking for. Nothing personal."





I won't forget the good times.
It's time to move on, I guess.

i'm not gonna wait for you forever

I'm gonna make you want me back, and then not let you have me.
Then maybe you'll know how it fucking feels.

Because I am fucking sick of guys doing this to me.
It seriously happens all the fucking time.
And I am done with it.

I'm done with guys like you.

the city sounds fade and disappear

I try so hard to just forgive people and give them another chance, and they continually blow it. So I am giving up. I'm giving up on the people who don't care. I'm giving up on the people who lie, especially the ones that I know are lying. I'm giving up on the people who I mean nothing to, and the people who mean nothing to me as well. That's a lot of fucking people. But I don't deserve the constant pain that is thrown at me from all directions. I deserve happiness, and I am going to find it and declare it for myself, one way or another.

you'll think of me

I didn't even realize it till just now, but I'm up to 50 posts. Well, this will make it 51, but still! Woooooooooo! I am excited that I hit 50.

My mom was out till like 3am last night, 'cause she drank too much. After she told me she'd be home at midnight. So I told her that 3am was my new curfew, and I said "watch me, I'll stay out till 3, you just watch, Mom." Hahaha. She just gave me this smile. I love her.

I didn't even go out last night. I was soooo tired. I fell asleep on the couch. Earlier last night though, like at 8 something, Justin and Kyle came over and we just kinda chilled and talked for a bit. Then they left 'cause Justin had to be home by 9, and I made mac & cheese and finished watcing One Tree Hill.

I am not excited to write this response paper. But I refuse to put it off till the last minute. Mrs. Birckhead better let me into the Body Fitness Lab! It would help me and my family out.

let me love you, let me want you

I wish my Dad and I had a more productive relationship. I haven't talked to him since he came over and fed the cats and dogs last Sunday. I feel like I should call him and ask how he's doing, but I don't know if I'm ready for that quite yet.

Clinton and Kegan picked me up at like 8am this morning and we went to Burger King. I was wearing my jammies inside. It was nice, and afterwards Clinton walked me inside my house and we kissed goodbye. But it didn't feel right like it used to. I know I held back, and didn't kiss him the way I normally would. "He's just not that into you" me. I know it. It's my intuition, I guess you could say. I'm really glad 90210 came back. I watched it this morning when I got back to my house. It was incredible! Anyway...

I need to go read like 50-something pages in The Jungle, since I never do my homework at night anymore. But before I do that, I'm gonna get ready for the most part. That way it doesn't take me forever later. Today, Tiffany is picking me up earlier than usual and we are going to visit our old T.A.P. (Troubadour Advisory Program) class at Santa Su! I am so excited to see Bobbi, Kyle, and Mrs. Hazlewood. It shall be delightful.

Mrs. Bitchhead better let me into Astronomy. I will be so angry if she doesn't.

?

I don't know what to do anymore. My life is full of drama lately and it is really stressful. With my dad moving out last weekend, not knowing what's going on with Clinton and me, and starting at a new school, it's just so much on my plate. I'm not sure if I can handle it all right now.

I can't believe he gets out in two days. This is so surreal. Not like I'm gonna see him or anything, especially after what happened. I hope he can forgive me for spilling our secret.

there's a certain something when it's me and you

i'm hoping that you feel the way i do

Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it is. But I'm going to sit here and I'm going to find out. You are immature if you are ignoring me. All I even want to know is that you like me or you don't. Are you still up for the adventure, or did you lose interest like every other guy that has been down this road with me? Whatever it is, I just need you to tell me straight to my face. Or at least over the phone or a MySpace message or SOMETHING. Something instead of this ignorant bullshit. I'm so fed up with guys that pull this crap.

he's got the motive, but no transportation

Screw boys. Screw trying to find someone who won't fuck with my head. I am no longer in search for "the perfect man" or even a boyfriend. Why do I want one so badly anyway? Fuck that.

greedy greedy me

I want to be able to just go with the flow of things.
I want to let things be, and forget about the past.
I want to stop caring so much.
I want this to be my New Year's resolution.

But whenever I make an actual New Year's resolution, they never come true!
And the one thing I don't want, is for my resolution to not come true.






What do I do?!

Happy New Year!

I spent last night at a friend's house and got really drunk and screamed and shouted when the new year came and made new friends and laughed and got really baked and passed out at like 5:00am. It was definitely my best New Year's yet. Today was an adventure with Bobbi and Clayton. McDonald's, Taco Bell, Subway, matching bowls with some random ass kids who we ran into at Taco Bell, going to my house and watching Edward Scissorhands, and so much more. By the way, GREAT movie. It was adorable. New favorite.

So I'm almost positive I freaked out over nothing the other day. Because I think there are two Clintons in Simi. Isn't that terrific? So now I made drama that I didn't even need! Thanks, friend. Ugh. Whatever. Life goes on, right? It's a new year! Let's turn over a new leaf. Shall we?

I want to write an extremely deep blog right now but I'm sooo tired.

Captain Morgan (can you believe it?!), Bacardi Grandmelon, and Bud Light.
Haven't been that drunk in a while.

This year better be a good one. "Or what?" Or nothing. I'm just greedy :]