Sunday, October 26, 2008

in the moment, it felt so right

"It's your Piscean vulnerability that makes you so attractive to others. It's also what has gotten you whacked so many times. You're attractive, yes, but you're not exactly right for the usual leading romantic roles. There usually has to be some tragic, ironic, weird, or science fiction twist to your love story, because no matter how many breast implants or hair plugs you get, you're just not the old-fashioned traditional guy-meets-girl-girl-kisses-guy-fade-out type of person. You'd like to be. You try to be, but you are not. You have an enormous yearning need to be loved and to have the security of a family. Maybe, probably, definitely, you didn't feel wanted, loved, nourished, and secure early enough, and it could well have impeded normal social development.

In high school it has to be awful to feel 'different,' but as you get older those same differences become your talent and your trademark. They can bring admiration and recognition from a world that appreciates and reveres your special talent and uniqueness. Of course, that other thing still lurks somewhere between your heart and your stomach. You're so sensitive to rejection and obsessed with having a 'normal' love relationship. Yet you can be so un-Piscean in your efforts to find love. Instead of being open and understanding and allowing the Universe to provide you with what you need, you can be moody, clinging, possessive, demanding, overattached, jealous, and dependent. Major turnoff. Instead of getting the love you need, you could actually destroy the moment. It's certainly not out of malice. It's out of the desire to protect and nurture those you love. It's just that dependency is such a touchy issue and you are still so sensitive about the mothering thing.

Sometimes you have to tear yourself away and go do your thing in the world. You do have a significant contribution you have to make. Your responsibilities to the world are on a bigger, more global scale, and will not permit you to indulge in as much ecstasy or personal grief as you may think you need. If allowed, you'd be swallowed up by either or both. Success awaits you, provided you can spend less time in self-indulgent searches for a mommy you never had.

At this point you need to probe more deeply into your obsession with being properly care for, to the point that you could become fiercely clinging and overattached to lovers or kids."

is forever enough?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but to me, religion is an idea. A bunch of people follow some random beliefs that may not even be real. They just believe it, so it must be true. Just because something is written in a book, doesn't make it true. Unless it is proven by scientists, I have no reason to believe in it. I'm sure when I say all this that some people will then say, "Oh, so you're basically saying you don't believe in love?" No, I definitely believe in love. Because I feel it. But I don't feel God. And I don't feel that being gay is a choice. Some people are just born that way. It's just the way it is. I don't feel that someone created me. I just feel like I exist. I will never know how but that is how I see it. For all I know, I could be a character in someone's dream. Or nightmare. Or maybe I'm someone's imaginary friend. And I have this elaborate life that my five year old pal tells her friends about. But the truth is, we don't know. Maybe we'll never know. Chances are we won't. Life is what it is. Why do we have to wonder so much? Why do we have to ask so many questions? Why do people have to know everything about everything? Why can't we just let things be?

On another note, I want to stop being so predictable. I need to stop being so predictable. I want to be spontaneous and exciting and fun and run through sprinklers in the cold of night when the stars are shining bright above me. I want to kiss a stranger and then run away so fast they think that it was just their imagination. I want to travel to a country that isn't very popular with a bunch of quarters and pass one out to every other five people that pass me by. I want to live. I feel like I'm missing out on some of the best parts of life.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

baby, you can drive my car

Even the way someone says they don't know know how to describe themselves, says more about them than they probably realize. The simplest six word sentence could tell a million things at once. I wish I was cool enough to have a podcast. But I think I would seriously annoy myself if I had one of those things. Plus, I'm not out of the house enough to experience life and share my feelings about random things that I see during my week. I only have six days left till I'm off grounding, and man am I excited!

Music is such an amazing thing. Music changes lives.

I don't know what else to say. Of course.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

i was so many things before being honest.

and i'll be so many more before i do it again.

I am still pretty upset about what happened with Tj, but honestly...I know I'll get over it. Sooner rather than later, I'd hope. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I totally didn't do any of my homework, as usual. But I stretched! I did lots of stretching and some little workouts for my abs. Then of course I had to go and ruin it by drinking a Dr.Pepper. But oh well. At least I did SOMETHING, you know? I need to start going to the gym. I have so many P.E. days to make up!!! My day was pretty good, considering I got to see Bobbi and Serina. And today in French, we watched Beauty and the Beast. Well, we didn't get to finish it but still! We stopped at one of the best songs though :[ "Be Our Guest" Oh, how I love Disney movies.

Anyway, it's time for me to shower and go to sleep. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

now it's gonna get harder,

and it's gonna burn brighter,
and it's gonna feel tougher each and every day

well i don't really know what to say. this has been a really blah night. just another one to add to all the others, lately. but whatever. i'll get over it when i get over it, right?

i'm gonna go watch tv and then do the dishes.
i have nothing else to say right now.
i wish i did.

don't even worry, you are never alone in this.

so more about what i was talking about earlier...

my biggest insecurity is that i feel like no one wants me. and i never feel like i'm good enough for anyone. i could get more into it but i don't feel like moping about it right now.

today, sarah assumed i was failing french. FRENCH. my best subject, by far. and sure she shrugged it off like she was joking, as usual with her, but i know her all too well and i assure you that she was not joking with me. i'm just so sick of coming home and getting nagged by my parents about school, and i really don't need it while i'm there, too!

i can't wait to switch to the hs@mc. i need to get out of this stupid town more often, and that will definitely help.

basically, my parents thinking so lowly of me makes me wanna continue doing poorly because i want them to believe in me and let me do things on my own. if they didn't nag me all the time, i think it might actually set in that i need to get my shit together or else....but with them nagging me so much, i feel like nobody believes in me anymore and so i don't feel good enough.

and i don't feel like anyone wants me because i'm so used to being the annoying girl who gets attached easily. i'm annoying because i act like a little kid. i act like a little kid because my parents treat me like one. so you can see, all my problems come back to my parents.

P.S. i hate when parents say "i didn't raise you that way." YOU DON'T TURN OUT HOW YOU PARENTS RAISE YOU TO BE. i mean sure that might have some influence on who you become later in life, but not nearly as much as school, your friends, the media, and sometimes drugs/alcohol influence who you come to be. i still don't know who i am or where i belong yet, but i'm finding my way. what more could i ask for? besides someone i can love. but even so, love and self-discovery are two things i'm willing to wait for.

if it's not too late for coffee, i'll be at your place in ten.

i had such a long phone call with bobbi last night, and i could on and on about it and tell you in detail what we talked about i don't have time right now. to shorten it up, i find out a little bit more about myself each and every day. and my parents are the cause of my problems. they main not be the main cause, but every little thing has it's way of going back to them. seriously.

i have to go finish getting ready so i can catch the bus.

i'll definitely be posting a blog later today/tonight, though.

Monday, October 20, 2008

i'm dying for a place in your heart

i'm trying out a new blog site.
i never seem to keep up with blogging,
especially when i say i will.
so i'm not gonna say "this time, for real,"
because i don't know that i'll keep my promise.

today was okay, i guess.
got to school late yet again.
watched movies in my first two classes.
p.e. was cool and i hit the ball on my first try! (softball)
french was, well, french.
madame rossy annoys the shit outta me sometimes.
her and her stupid little songs.
lunch was fun. i love nicole.
geometry was very very boring.
and bio was okay in the end.
i wish i still sat next to laura, though!!
afterschool i came home and made some mac & cheese.
after i ate it, i passed out on the couch.

taco tuesday is tomorrow.
i can't decide yet if i'm excited or not.

i should probably go take a shower now.

(don't worry, not all my blogs will be boring like this)