i'm only fooling myself

It's nice to have secrets from people. FINALLY.

I'll write more tomorrow.

i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

We are so alike. Especially the way our minds work. You make me feel so comfortable and giggly. It should feel wrong, but it doesn't. I deserve to be happy, too. It's not even that I like you. I don't know you well enough yet. But you read my mind like no one else can. I keep trying to figure you out, but you told me there's nothing to figure out. You put everything out on the table. I like that. It's something new. Right now, I'm just living in the moment. I have fun with you and that's all that matters to me. It doesn't even matter what anyone else thinks. I am smiling and I will continue to smile.

Truth.

1. I feel like we're drifting apart, and I don't know what to do about it. I think it's because of him, and I hate saying that because I know you're happy...but I really think that's the reason. I liked you better when you were single. Is that so horrible of me? I'm glad you're happy and oh so in love, but I want to go back when I was the one person that could make you laugh and smile when you were having a bad day. Your best friend. Not the second person. Especially since he sees you ten times more each week than I do.

2. You're a really nice guy, and I have fun when we hang out. But I am not ready to even start seeing someone, and I don't want to give you the wrong idea. I need to focus on myself right now. I don't like who I am as a person, let alone love, and I need to change that. I need me-time. I really am so sorry. On the possibly-one-day-bright-side, if it's meant to be, it will happen...eventually.

3. Your story doesn't match up with hers. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me which of you is lying. I don't care if it's you, I won't be mad. What happened with that whole thing...it saved me. I honestly don't know where I'd be if it hadn't happened. Far, far, much farther down this road, I'm sure. I need closure. I need to know the truth.

4. I need you. And you need me. We need each other. I wish you weren't grounded. There is so much I have to tell you...I don't even know where to start. Sorry I haven't been texting lately. I haven't really been texting too many people lately, so you're not the only one. Don't worry. I love you and I miss you and like I said, I need you. I am lost. I am still so lost.

5. I hope you don't look down upon me for what I did. I know you feel awkward about the whole situation, and so do I. But shit happens. I love you and I hope you still love me. We're family. And we always will be. Right?

6. I hate that you're back to ignoring me. I thought we were finally okay. Just because he's out, it's gonna start back up again? I know I tried to make amends with him, and I will continue to try, but why do you have to ignore me because of it? You even finally said you loved me again...



I might write more later...but I need to shower and eat breakfast.

Having parties at your own house is the most exhausting thing ever.

Kyle Dietz's mother and father are my two favorite people on the planet.

I don't know if it is all the alcohol I drank on Saturday night, or if I'm getting sick, but I've been having stomach issues the past two days. Pepto Bismol isn't helping and you're not supposed to use it for more than 2 days, so I don't know what to do. Sorry if that's too much information for your liking, but I am worried.

I have so much more to say, but no time to say it.

Gym, kindergartners, school work, and then home sweet home.

i won't leave this way again

My Daily Extended horoscope for today, from Yahoo, sounds really great:

"Your intense emotions are starting to mellow out quite a bit today, which should make your day a very easy one compared to recent weeks. Instead of getting worried that things aren't going to go the way you want them to go, you will be able to relax and accept things as they are. Clarity is now controlling your thought processes, not confusion. This means that you will be able to see every challenge as an opportunity, instead of a test you have to pass. Happiness is much easier to achieve."

Mmmmm.

what's next?

I'm sorry, but I hate how one day she pisses you off and the next you are all buddy-buddy with her.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand how fake you are towards me.
I'm sorry, but it really wasn't fucking fair and you know it.

Actually, I'm not sorry.



Today I wrote a poem. I think it's pretty lame, but here goes...

Maybe

Maybe there's an answer,
Maybe there's a way,
Maybe he will stick around for just one more day.

Maybe I can sing,
Maybe I can dance,
Maybe he will decide to give it another chance.

Maybe we will find it,
Maybe we won't,
Maybe we already know...maybe we don't.

-Janae Lewis

birthdays are not stupid

I am turning 17 this year and I want to make it one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Friday, the 27th (my actual birthday), I am going to Disneyland with Jessica and Tiffany. Since I get in free on my birthday! Go sign up, and you can too! Saturday I'm not sure what I'm doing but I want to have a really exciting, adventurous day and an even better night. Sunday I would like to relax and maybe go to the beach with a large group of friends. That sounds like a fantastic birthday to me. I don't want any drama on my birthday or during my birthday weekend and I hope there is none. But we'll see.

I look really cute and chic today. Hehe. I love my new coat!

Janae-ness

I've been reading about Buddhism lately. Surprisingly, I have learned a lot. Buddhists believe living is suffering. "Suffering is caused by craving or attachments to worldly pleasures of all kinds." So until I stop craving, I will suffer. There is so much more, but basically there is a path to enlightenment and you need to find peace within yourself in order to achieve Nirvana. And I realized.....the reason that I'm unhappy in life right now, is probably that I'm in fact unhappy with myself. So I am going to start doing things for me, and not other people. I need to focus on Janae time. And that is what I'm gonna do.

On another note, I've started hanging out with a new guy. I'm not sure where it's going to go but he really likes me and I don't know where I stand in the whole thing quite yet.

Turns out, my dad has to work on Saturday. Which means I'm not going to his house this weekend. But that's okay, because my mom is going out of town! But Clinton is still being an asshole to me and I am sick of it. Why are boys so lame?

I need a man.

i'll drink to that, let's drink to that

I sit here and I don't know what to write.

I don't want to miss him, but I do. And now there's this great guy that seems very interested in me, and he's perfect on paper but I feel like he's too nice. Why is that always the case with them for me? Too nice means not good enough? In my head, I guess so. Clinton was the exception, and he's gone. I need to wake up and realize that. He is not going to come back to me.

I really worry about my Dad. I hope he's doing alright.

I forgot how much I love McFly.

I wish I had money so I could be more stylish. Speaking of money, I spent this week's lunch money on fucking pizza and breadsticks and soda at Bobbi's house on Saturday night. Greaaaaat. I guess I'll starve this week. Ugh.

your heart has a lack of color

Shower, get ready, meat project, spark notes, and then school.
Only five more days till I can maybe get a laptop! Eeeee!

I want to meet some new people. Maybe a cute boy.
I just really feel a lot happier when I like someone.
It's a problem.

dads are cool

I love my Daddy. He said if I can get past my probationary period at school, which is only until the end of next week, and the results are good, he will buy me a laptop! I am going to work even harder now that I know this. Ah! Life is a bit better already.

believe that i can change

I miss sitting in Ben & Jerry's, listening to the radio, waiting for you to get off work. I miss squinting my eyes and looking up at you, just to make you laugh. That face. That face that you loved. What happened? I know what happened, but it's really hard for me to accept it. I just wish you felt like you could be honest with me. I can handle the truth. Why does no one ever believe me?

This doesn't seem right, this doesn't seem right.
But it doesn't feel WRONG. Why not? It should...shouldn't it?

It's weird to think that I had finally found someone who made me happy. And it slipped out of my grasp, and he's making someone else happy now, I'm sure. It just sucks. I don't know how to move on. That is my biggest lesson in need of learning. How to move on. I have always "moved on" by finding someone new. But that isn't healthy! Because it is a never ending cycle of falling and getting hurt.

On another note, as happy as I am for Bobbi, I hardly ever get to see her anymore. When I do see her, it's always the three of us. We don't ever get alone time anymore. And I like alone time with Bobbi. I mean, she's my best friend. Of course I need to have some alone time with her, to update her on my life and shit. I don't know...I just hate being the third wheel. Don't mean to complain, but there I go again. Complaining.

All I find myself wanting to do lately is sleep my problems away. I'd rather dream about my problems than actually have to deal with them while I'm awake. When I am awake, all I wanna do is run away. Get away from this place and find peace within myself. Because I'm truly unhappy. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what to do about any of it.

there's gotta be more to life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

by Stacie Orrico



This song describes everything that is going on in my head.
And I was thinking if she could possibly be a Pisces like myself...
To my shocking surprise, she is.
Unbelievable. It's no wonder!

hello seatle, i am an albatross

I think that next weekend I am going to go see my dad. And I know it'd be a lot easier if I took a friend along, but I don't want to. Not the first weekend, at least. I knew I'd miss him, but I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I really miss him. He always made me feel like I was still his little girl. I miss that. I miss sweet-talking him into buying me ice cream. I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to lose my dad permanently...

Starting this week, I'm going to be working for my sister on Fridays from 11am-3pm. Some days I can work more or work less but that is my main schedule. Which means I'll be making $32 per week. But I need to save it up, so I can pay Tiffany back and so I can save up for my car.

I have a 3 page response paper, that I have not started on, due Wednesday. But I can't concentrate on it because I am depressed and stressed. I don't and won't show it, but I am. I know I am. I can feel it inside me. It's like I'm breathing invisible fire. I don't know what that means but it made sense in my head.

is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?

It's hard to be friends with two best friends who are now pretty much enemies, and can't stand to be around each other. It's hard to see my Dad come into the house and feed the cats and dogs, and everything seems normal again for a second. It's hard to talk to "him" when I know he's lying to me, and I can't say anything. It's hard to try and concentrate on my school work, when all of these thoughts are constantly racing in my head. All I want to do is "eat, sleep, repeat."



I never imagined that the life of a hermit would even cross my mind.
I have always dreamed of traveling all over, meeting tons of new faces, and exploring different cultures. But this is a really fucked up world. And I don't know if I can face it on my own.

HOW?

How does it go from THIS:

"I'm not looking for a hookup, I want someone who will be there for as long as they can."
"The only job I have is scooping ice cream so I think you'd fit right in."
"Kiss you back. Silly :)"
"It's different, I hardly know you, but I'm always so comfortable and warm when I'm with you. It's mesmerizing :)"
"I can think of a lot of places where I wanna kiss you ;)"
"Your stomach, your forehead, your hands, your sweet lips, and of course some butterfly kisses =)"
"I wanna hold you in my arms"
"You make me smile :) I can't stop thinking of your beautiful eyes and the way your hair smells when I hug you and how we hold each other in my freezing car at night!"

"He likes you I hope you know"
"He said you're a really chill chick"
"He said you're really cute too"


to THIS, in a matter of 1 1/2 weeks:

"You're just not my type and I really did like you, it's just things change when you get to know someone. And that you shouldn't throw yourself at every guy that comes along. And I don't wanna make this hard on you cause I know you're going through a difficult time. With the new school and your parents splitting. But I don't want us to stop talking and things be hostile between us."
"...I just thought you rushed it too fast. You're just not the girl I'm looking for. Nothing personal."





I won't forget the good times.
It's time to move on, I guess.

i'm not gonna wait for you forever

I'm gonna make you want me back, and then not let you have me.
Then maybe you'll know how it fucking feels.

Because I am fucking sick of guys doing this to me.
It seriously happens all the fucking time.
And I am done with it.

I'm done with guys like you.

the city sounds fade and disappear

I try so hard to just forgive people and give them another chance, and they continually blow it. So I am giving up. I'm giving up on the people who don't care. I'm giving up on the people who lie, especially the ones that I know are lying. I'm giving up on the people who I mean nothing to, and the people who mean nothing to me as well. That's a lot of fucking people. But I don't deserve the constant pain that is thrown at me from all directions. I deserve happiness, and I am going to find it and declare it for myself, one way or another.

you'll think of me

I didn't even realize it till just now, but I'm up to 50 posts. Well, this will make it 51, but still! Woooooooooo! I am excited that I hit 50.

My mom was out till like 3am last night, 'cause she drank too much. After she told me she'd be home at midnight. So I told her that 3am was my new curfew, and I said "watch me, I'll stay out till 3, you just watch, Mom." Hahaha. She just gave me this smile. I love her.

I didn't even go out last night. I was soooo tired. I fell asleep on the couch. Earlier last night though, like at 8 something, Justin and Kyle came over and we just kinda chilled and talked for a bit. Then they left 'cause Justin had to be home by 9, and I made mac & cheese and finished watcing One Tree Hill.

I am not excited to write this response paper. But I refuse to put it off till the last minute. Mrs. Birckhead better let me into the Body Fitness Lab! It would help me and my family out.

let me love you, let me want you

I wish my Dad and I had a more productive relationship. I haven't talked to him since he came over and fed the cats and dogs last Sunday. I feel like I should call him and ask how he's doing, but I don't know if I'm ready for that quite yet.

Clinton and Kegan picked me up at like 8am this morning and we went to Burger King. I was wearing my jammies inside. It was nice, and afterwards Clinton walked me inside my house and we kissed goodbye. But it didn't feel right like it used to. I know I held back, and didn't kiss him the way I normally would. "He's just not that into you" me. I know it. It's my intuition, I guess you could say. I'm really glad 90210 came back. I watched it this morning when I got back to my house. It was incredible! Anyway...

I need to go read like 50-something pages in The Jungle, since I never do my homework at night anymore. But before I do that, I'm gonna get ready for the most part. That way it doesn't take me forever later. Today, Tiffany is picking me up earlier than usual and we are going to visit our old T.A.P. (Troubadour Advisory Program) class at Santa Su! I am so excited to see Bobbi, Kyle, and Mrs. Hazlewood. It shall be delightful.

Mrs. Bitchhead better let me into Astronomy. I will be so angry if she doesn't.

?

I don't know what to do anymore. My life is full of drama lately and it is really stressful. With my dad moving out last weekend, not knowing what's going on with Clinton and me, and starting at a new school, it's just so much on my plate. I'm not sure if I can handle it all right now.

I can't believe he gets out in two days. This is so surreal. Not like I'm gonna see him or anything, especially after what happened. I hope he can forgive me for spilling our secret.

there's a certain something when it's me and you

i'm hoping that you feel the way i do

Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it is. But I'm going to sit here and I'm going to find out. You are immature if you are ignoring me. All I even want to know is that you like me or you don't. Are you still up for the adventure, or did you lose interest like every other guy that has been down this road with me? Whatever it is, I just need you to tell me straight to my face. Or at least over the phone or a MySpace message or SOMETHING. Something instead of this ignorant bullshit. I'm so fed up with guys that pull this crap.

he's got the motive, but no transportation

Screw boys. Screw trying to find someone who won't fuck with my head. I am no longer in search for "the perfect man" or even a boyfriend. Why do I want one so badly anyway? Fuck that.

greedy greedy me

I want to be able to just go with the flow of things.
I want to let things be, and forget about the past.
I want to stop caring so much.
I want this to be my New Year's resolution.

But whenever I make an actual New Year's resolution, they never come true!
And the one thing I don't want, is for my resolution to not come true.






What do I do?!

Happy New Year!

I spent last night at a friend's house and got really drunk and screamed and shouted when the new year came and made new friends and laughed and got really baked and passed out at like 5:00am. It was definitely my best New Year's yet. Today was an adventure with Bobbi and Clayton. McDonald's, Taco Bell, Subway, matching bowls with some random ass kids who we ran into at Taco Bell, going to my house and watching Edward Scissorhands, and so much more. By the way, GREAT movie. It was adorable. New favorite.

So I'm almost positive I freaked out over nothing the other day. Because I think there are two Clintons in Simi. Isn't that terrific? So now I made drama that I didn't even need! Thanks, friend. Ugh. Whatever. Life goes on, right? It's a new year! Let's turn over a new leaf. Shall we?

I want to write an extremely deep blog right now but I'm sooo tired.

Captain Morgan (can you believe it?!), Bacardi Grandmelon, and Bud Light.
Haven't been that drunk in a while.

This year better be a good one. "Or what?" Or nothing. I'm just greedy :]