Wednesday, December 31, 2008

'cause i'm not your princess

this ain't a fairytale
i'm gonna find someone someday
who might actually treat me well

I thought it was different this time. And it still could be, but he said "I just feel like we're taking this way too fast." Okay. Why now? Why not a week ago, when I wasn't pulled this far under quite yet?
I want to climb up to the very top of a mountain, scream my lungs out, and then cry for as long as I need to. I can't keep my mind on this right now! I need to clean so I can go out. Why do these bad thoughts always have to distract me? Go awaaaay.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

"some things are too good to be true"

Maybe I'm tripping out over nothing, but I really don't know what to believe anymore. For once I'm assuming the best of someone, thinking that he would never do that to me. I just don't know.

this ain't hollywood, this is a small town

I hid my depression for so long that I can no longer tell if I'm actually happy or if I'm faking it. It's worrying me. A lot of things are worrying me. I worry a lot. Clinton hasn't been scared off yet, and it's worrying me. I have so many classes to make up, and it's worrying me. My dad is moving out on Friday, and it's worrying me. Mitzi is really old, and it's worrying me. There are so many more things I could name, but I don't have time. I have to take a shower and eat something, because I'm babysitting Alyssa and Robert at noon. I don't know when I get off, but when I do, I have to come home and finish my chores. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I have no idea what I'm doing. Woohoo. Happy New Year. I just wanted to kiss him. But hey, if I've gone sixteen years without a New Year's kiss, what's one more year, right?

Monday, December 29, 2008

i'm ready to be heartbroken

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now, and I have no idea how to organize them all. It's been clarified that Clinton and I are "seeing each other." I couldn't be happier about that. It is also very difficult to be friends with both Bobbi and Serina, when they aren't friends anymore. When I'm at one house, I can't call the other. And vice versa. I love both of them so much and am trying really hard not to pick sides. I want to be there for each of them as much as I can, but it really isn't easy for me. What has been easy for me lately, however, is crying. Marley & Me, now How to Deal. I don't know what is with me! I guess I'm starting to relate to others more. My mind continues to race.....I have to clean now.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

nothing heard, nothing said.

This is going to be a really great day. I can feel it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

do you feel alive when i'm next to you?

Thank you, Sarah, for introducing me to this amazing band.

I am posting an apology blog. To everyone I have ever hurt in any possible way. I am sorry for everything I've ever done or said to you, about you, et cetera. I want to make peace with all of of you. Every single person I have ever lied to, every single person I have ever made cry, every single person that I have hurt at all, I'm sorry. I hope we can leave the past in the past. I don't want to talk shit anymore. I don't want to be that person. I want to see the good in people. I'm trying. I hope that's enough.

Merry Christmas Eve Day! Have a great night, everyone.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

baby, all i want for christmas is you

It's weird how one person can change everything. How one day it can be pouring, and the next day the sky is clear and the sun is shining. How a train crash can ruin so many peoples' lives. How a smile from a stranger can brighten your outlook on life.

Christmas Eve is going to be so different without my Uncle Bill, Aunt Christine, and cousins Daniel and Becky this year. I hope they are enjoying London. I miss them a ton. Simi Valley isn't the same without them. I have many memories with them. Especially Becky. I miss her! I miss playing "bar" in her old house. And when we played hide and seek and hid in the cupboards, and Daniel never found us.

My life has changed so much throughout the years. I am still young, but I've been through a lot. Definitely not as much as a lot of my friends have, but even so. Sometimes I wish I could start completely over. I've made so many mistakes that I wish could easily be forgiven. But life isn't supposed to be easy.

It scares me that I don't know where this is going. But I'm excited to find out.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

life is full of surprises

I haven't been this happy in a really long time. I hope you feel as great as I do right now, boy. Because I feel pretty damn fucking amazing.

School, work, then ice cream. Shhhh! :]

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

the best is yet to come

I know you don't read this. You hardly even go on MySpace. But I'm still scared that if you do read it, you'll think I like you too much. I still hardly know you, but there is something about you that I can't get enough of. Normally the cuteness and the "I think you'd fit right into my life" and "I'd kiss you back, silly" would get to be too much for me and I'd run away from it all. But something is different this time. I think it's you. You make me feel safe and like there is nothing to afraid of. When I'm with you, I feel like we could take over the world. It's intense, but relaxing at the same time. I like this pace. I loved seeing you today. I haven't felt this good about something in a really long time. I hope the feeling lasts. I can't help but be scared, though. And although you make me feel like there's nothing to be afraid of, I already told you that with being hurt so often, I have no choice to be cautious.

I feel like my title. "The best is yet to come."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

do you have to let it linger?

I know it's a bit much to say that someone is perfect, but they can get pretty dang close to it. I don't really know what it is, but this situation feels different. I'm getting my hopes up as usual, but for some reason I'm not worried. And I'm pretty much always worried. This just feels right. I don't know what is going to come from any of this, but whatever it is, I'm ready. I've never felt more ready in my life. For the unknown. The new. The future.

Sitting on a very silent shuttle bus, really makes you wish that you could read peoples' minds. Silence is nice sometimes, but for the most part it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's just me, maybe not. But silence is creepy.

This weekend was great. I'm exhausted, but in the best way.
Do you ever feel that way?

Friday, December 12, 2008

stay beautiful

I'm excited for what may or may not come from this. Whatever happens, I know I can be okay with it. The unknown is such a scary, awesome thing.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i'm quite the joke to you

I am so stressed lately, and I'm so nervous and scared that I'm not going to get into the High School @ Moorpark College. It would be such a good thing for me, and I really want it. Like, I haven't wanted anything this bad in a really long time.

My mom was yelling at me earlier about how I never do what she asks me to and I was mad and arguing with her because she always interrupts me and changes the subject to what she wants from me. I already had a bad day and told her she wasn't making it any better. She told me to go in my room after I was done eating and I said that I was planning on doing that anything. She just came in and asked me for a hug. I asked her why she always does that after we have a fight. I said it's annoying. I told her what is going on this weekend. We didn't hug. She said goodnight and left. As soon as she left, I turned up my music and started crying.

No one gets it. I am so stressed and depressed about everything lately and the only thing to make me smile (only on the inside) in the last ten minutes is the fact that "stressed" and "depressed" rhyme. I need someone. I know I have my family and my friends and they are always there, and I have so many people I could talk to about my issues. But I still feel like nobody completely understands. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who will ever get it. And I don't want to go through life without someone. I'm so afraid of being alone, yet when I'm alone my true feelings come out. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of being alone. I hate being this way. I hate showing how I really feel. I like to hide. I like to escape.

On the board in Mr.Aurand's room today, the daily quote said "The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." I literally walked in, sat in my desk, read the board, and glared at the quote.

Escape is my reality. I don't know how to live any other way. Help!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood

I don't even know who to trust anymore. Finding out that people who I really thought were my friends were talking shit about me right next to gives me the worst feeling. I am sick of people sitting there, telling me they care, and then fucking me over. I think I trick my mind into thinking that I'm happy, like when I'm with my friends. Then every time I get home, I sit here and get extremely lonely and depressed. I am so unmotivated and lazy and sick of peoples' bullshit. I don't want to put up with it anymore. Why am I so tolerant of these people? Why do I let them pull this shit continually? Why can't I say no? Why can't I stop it all? I want time to freeze so I don't have to deal anymore. I want eternal happiness. I want love. I want too many things. I'm sick of lying and I'm sick of not being able to show my true self around my friends, just because their friends think I'm annoying. Get over it. If you're gonna say that shit, say it to my fucking face. Or at least over a message or text or SOMETHING. Instead of fucking talking shit behind my back and then pretending we're chill when we're all hanging out. That is what pisses me off to no end. People are so fucking fake and it sickens me. Ugghhh.

Nobody even cares anymore. That's honestly what I think and how I feel.