Thursday, November 27, 2008

what i am thankful for...

My family is truly the most important thing in the world to me. They know how to make me laugh, and deep down I know they only want the best for me. We have our ups and downs, like all families, but they are the reason I am still breathing. I don't know what I would do without them. This was the best Turkey Day of my life. And I'm really glad Tiffany got to share it with me.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

and my daddy said, "stay away from juliet"

A few minutes ago, I sent a text to one of my friends and realized how depressed I am inside. But I try and hide it from everyone, including myself. Why? "I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Everyone is so fake and I'm sick of it. I knew what I wanted and I lost it and now I've lost my heart." I've lost my heart, my mind, and my soul. I'm nothing like I used to be and it kills me knowing that so many people still think so poorly of me. I know it's my own fault, but it honestly just sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I have changed, and no one can see it nor do they believe me. Honestly, I am the only one who can see just how much I've changed. Do you want to know the main thoughts that have been filling my head all day? People are pathetic pieces of shit who start false rumors out of pure boredom, the only person you can completely trust is yourself, and it is sad that so many people believe whatever they hear, no matter how good of friends you are with them or not. This is the worst time of year to be upset. My parents' divorce isn't even affecting me at all. Everyone keeps saying "I'm sorry to hear that" and "How are you taking it?" and I'm just like, whatever. That's how I feel about's whatever. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me sad. I don't even care. The weird thing is, I wish I did care. I don't even know who I am anymore. Lately I've been telling everyone how great I am, and it's true that I have my happy moments and I'm happy for a period of time and when I'm around people, but then I get home and I'm alone in my room and my true feelings and thoughts pour out of my head and onto this stupid, stupid blog. That probably no one reads and I know no one really cares about. And I'm not saying that so you say "I care" because even if you do, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I've been hurt too many times to care about finding my own happiness. I've given up. I wish there was someone I could relate to, someone who could always be there for me, someone who understands, someone who cares, and mostly, someone that can help me find myself again. But I don't know if I will ever find that person.

Monday, November 24, 2008

pour some sugar on me

It's very relaxing to know that boys are finally becoming interested in me. But at the same time it's really weird, because I'm not used to it. I had a really good today and my mom made tacos for dinner. I am going to go watch one of my shows soon and then shower and go to bed, so I can wake up on time. Then I won't be late to English and Shane, Jacob, and I can draw animals together. Fun! This is going to be an amazing break. I get my phone service back tomorrow night. Sweeeeet.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

my heart keeps leaping back to you

Basically, this next weekend is going to be amazing. Tomorrow, I am getting out of school early to sit in Tiffany's classes and "observe." Tuesday, it is Taco Tuesday. And it's the first day of the long weekend. Five days off, woohoo! Then I don't know what I'll be doing on Wednesday, but Tiffany is joining my family and me for Thanksgiving. Which will be awesome. Keeping the tradition going, you best believe it! The rest of the weekend I don't know what's gonna happen but I'm sure it'll be good because I have fantastic friends. I'm really gonna miss Bobbi while she's in Yosemite though. Oh well, I can't do anything about it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

welcome to my life

To be completely honest, I want a boyfriend. Really really really really badly. But I am so used to not having one, and not getting any of the people that I want, that I expect NOT to get one. For a very long time. Even when boys say they like me, they pretty much never ask me out. I want to start going out on dates. Why doesn't anyone do it that way anymore? Where's my dreamboy? Hahaha. I want an adventure. I want something real for once.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

calling this home when it's not even close

I realized last night when I was laying in my bed, that I'm a really caring friend. And I am ever so proud of that. I have come so far in only a matter of months, and yes I still have a long way to go, but I know I can make it.

I'm going to be late again. Because Ryan's dad had to borrow his car today, and so he can't pick me up. But he is probably going to pick me up tomorrow and then we'll go to school together. Hoorah!

Catch ya later!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it's a love story, baby just say yes

Today, I almost got a ticket for jaywalking. Good thing I got on the bus before the cop got to me. I hope no one else got tickets! But I'm pretty sure at least David did. That sucks! Blah. I still have to do the dishes. But honestly, I am way too hungry right now. I think I might make the second half of the mac & cheese. Yummy! On another note, this drama is bullshit. Yelling "Slut!" to me after school is uncalled for. If shit like that keeps happening, I'm going to confront someone about it. And if it continues after that, I just might blow up.

One thing I learned today...just because someone isn't talking to you as much, doesn't mean they've forgotten about you. Maybe they've just been really busy. Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to.

wherever we may go

Whenever I am at my grandma's house, I drink Pepsi. Well, if she has it in her fridge. But even if she had Coke, too, I would choose the Pepsi. Because it is a memory. When I was little, I always drank Pepsi at my grandma's house. Now I'm kind of craving a Pepsi. But I will only drink it there, or if a restaurant doesn't have Coke or Dr.Pepper.

I'm going to be late again, but tomorrow, Ryan is going to pick me up and we're gonna go to school together! That is exciting! I wanted this blog to be longer but I don't have time. I'm not even done getting ready! So I best be going. Have a great day, everyone! Though I'm sure it's too late to say that since everyone is probably at school by now. Oh well.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

don't trust a ho, never trust a ho

When I was younger, my dad used to buy me the toy cars from the Chevron gas stations. You know, the ones that have the eyes? And that was one of the few things him and I have ever bonded over. As I grew older, I didn't really play with them anymore so I decided to give most of them to my friend Deanna's niece, Tristyn. I don't know if she even still has them, but I miss them.

When I was Disneyland in August for Tiffany's birthday, I saw this adorable toy Chevron car that I was sure I never had owned. I decided to buy it for my Dad for his birthday. He loved it.

A few months after that, which was a couple weeks ago or so, he was going to give it to Grayson, my nephew. Which yes, is sweet and all, but I felt like my present didn't even mean all that much to my Dad anymore. It really hurt and it may seem silly to a lot of people, but it's not something I can get over. Ever. Probably because that's like one of the only things I felt close to my Dad with. Those cars.

It's not the same. I wish I didn't ever grow up.

Monday, November 17, 2008

you're awful, i love you

You say you want me so badly, and then you hardly call! I wish you would take me out already. You intrigue me, and I haven't been this curious about someone in a while. I'll be waiting...but not forever.

I have no idea what I'm going to do at lunch when I go back tomorrow. I know it's my fault for all of the reasons I can't sit with the two groups of people I used to sit with, but it really sucks. I'm not gonna pity myself or act like I want others to pity me, because that's like the complete opposite of what I want right now. But it would be nice to have a steady group of friends at school that I'm welcome to eat with.

I should probably go do the dishes now, since my parents will be home soon. I really, really hope I get into the hs@mc. That would be awesome.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

we light our own fires now

I'm starting to think I don't believe in God altogether.

i'll do whatever it takes

to turn this around
i know what's at stake
i know that i've let you down
and if you give me a chance
believe that i can change
i'll keep us together
whatever it takes

I spend so much time thinking about life and what our purpose on Earth is and how things exist. And honestly, music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. I thrive for happiness and love and finding the deeper meaning to all of this, whatever this is.

Question of the Day: What if death is the ultimate time travel?

I want to zoom through the next month. My parents' divorce, my interview for the hs@mc, and school. I just want the big changes to happen already. I don't want to endure them slowly.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

why should i care?

I refuse to act like I care, because even when I actually do, it doesn't matter. No one else cares that I care. And caring doesn't change anything, anyway.

i'll keep you my dirty little secret

My mom let me out last night even though I'm sick, but I am honestly really glad. I had such a nice time last night, going to the football game high with Tiffany and Avalon and then just hanging out with Cameron, Matt, and Serina. And I got really high. Again. I've been doing that a lot lately. But anyway, life is very thrilling and I love my friends!

Tiffany told me that I don't need to take Geometry at the hs@mc and I already know I didn't have to take a second year of Bio but now I know that I don't need Chem either and I am so excited to switch schools and this is a run-on sentence. Mr.Kohlmeier would be disappointed in me.

Wake and bake with Serina, woohoo!

Friday, November 14, 2008

it's something unpredictable

but in the end is right

I'm still not really reacting in any specific way to the whole divorce issue. I wonder what my mom thinks of that. As far as the love life goes, I have a few possible prospects to like but for now I'm not sticking to one guy. Whenever I do that, it seems to get me into trouble. I have been sick for the past couple of days, and it really sucks. The Royal vs. Simi football game is tonight, and I am desperately wanting to go. Tiffany really wants me to go, too. So when my mom gets back from lunch, I'm gonna try and convince her to let me out even though I'm sick. I mean, honestly, I haven't been to any of the football games this season. I went to more last year, when I didn't even go to Simi! And now that I go there, I haven't been going to the games. I find that ironic. Anyway, that's what's going on in my head right now.

Question of the Day:
When did people stop being sincere?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

when everything seems like nothing

Everything seems like nothing is going to change. But when the change comes, life is going to be so different for me. I don't know what it's gonna be like without my dad here. I'm nervous.

Monday, November 10, 2008

why do you put me on a pedastal?

i'm so up high that i can't see the ground below.

In all honesty, I'm scared. My parents are getting divorced and I don't know what to think of it. I just want my parents to be happy, and they know that. But it isn't really affecting me. I don't know when it will set in, if it ever will. I'm scared that it is going to affect me more than I want it to, and at the worst possible time.
On top of that, I don't want to get hurt again. I mean, I'm used to it so it won't be that big of deal if it does happen, but it really sucks. I'm always the one scaring people away and getting my heart stepped on. All I really want is someone to talk to, cuddle with, kiss, and have fun with. Is that a boyfriend? I'm not sure. I'm trying to go with the flow for once and it's working. But I'm still afraid of what may or may not happen. I can't help it. It's how I am. I'm a worry-wart. Grrrr.

But I really should get going. I'm late, yet again.

Friday, November 7, 2008

i guess it was never meant to be,

but it's just something we have no control over,
and that's what destiny is
but no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
maybe one day we'll wake up and this'll all just be a dream

I'm having good thoughts and feelings right now. I'm comfortable and excited and anxious and I have no idea what is going to happen next in my life. It is so full of surprises and delight lately! I am excited to daydream in class today and not pay any attention. It is just one of those days. Off to school!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

i'm just scared of what you think,

you make me nervous so i really can't eat

This week has been quite interesting and sort of eventful. I'm not really going to explain all of it in full detail just because that would be a really boring blog, even though my week has been pretty good and fun. Reading about it would be lame, you don't even know. I'm confusing you, aren't I?
Well anyway, today as I got off the bus to walk the rest of the way to my house, it smelt like one of those warm winter days, where Christmas is nearing and you can smell the pine from miles away. I suddenly found myself feeling really comfortable with where I was. Though I'm still not sure if I've found exactly where I "belong" or where I want to be, I am comfortable. I'm in a good place right now. The love life is complicated but I'm trying really hard to just go with the flow for once. And I think it's working pretty well for me!
Figured I'd write a blog though, since I haven't written one in a while.