Wednesday, November 26, 2008
and my daddy said, "stay away from juliet"
A few minutes ago, I sent a text to one of my friends and realized how depressed I am inside. But I try and hide it from everyone, including myself. Why? "I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Everyone is so fake and I'm sick of it. I knew what I wanted and I lost it and now I've lost my heart." I've lost my heart, my mind, and my soul. I'm nothing like I used to be and it kills me knowing that so many people still think so poorly of me. I know it's my own fault, but it honestly just sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I have changed, and no one can see it nor do they believe me. Honestly, I am the only one who can see just how much I've changed. Do you want to know the main thoughts that have been filling my head all day? People are pathetic pieces of shit who start false rumors out of pure boredom, the only person you can completely trust is yourself, and it is sad that so many people believe whatever they hear, no matter how good of friends you are with them or not. This is the worst time of year to be upset. My parents' divorce isn't even affecting me at all. Everyone keeps saying "I'm sorry to hear that" and "How are you taking it?" and I'm just like, whatever. That's how I feel about it....it's whatever. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me sad. I don't even care. The weird thing is, I wish I did care. I don't even know who I am anymore. Lately I've been telling everyone how great I am, and it's true that I have my happy moments and I'm happy for a period of time and when I'm around people, but then I get home and I'm alone in my room and my true feelings and thoughts pour out of my head and onto this stupid, stupid blog. That probably no one reads and I know no one really cares about. And I'm not saying that so you say "I care" because even if you do, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I've been hurt too many times to care about finding my own happiness. I've given up. I wish there was someone I could relate to, someone who could always be there for me, someone who understands, someone who cares, and mostly, someone that can help me find myself again. But I don't know if I will ever find that person.