Wednesday, November 26, 2008
and my daddy said, "stay away from juliet"
A few minutes ago, I sent a text to one of my friends and realized how depressed I am inside. But I try and hide it from everyone, including myself. Why? "I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Everyone is so fake and I'm sick of it. I knew what I wanted and I lost it and now I've lost my heart." I've lost my heart, my mind, and my soul. I'm nothing like I used to be and it kills me knowing that so many people still think so poorly of me. I know it's my own fault, but it honestly just sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I have changed, and no one can see it nor do they believe me. Honestly, I am the only one who can see just how much I've changed. Do you want to know the main thoughts that have been filling my head all day? People are pathetic pieces of shit who start false rumors out of pure boredom, the only person you can completely trust is yourself, and it is sad that so many people believe whatever they hear, no matter how good of friends you are with them or not. This is the worst time of year to be upset. My parents' divorce isn't even affecting me at all. Everyone keeps saying "I'm sorry to hear that" and "How are you taking it?" and I'm just like, whatever. That's how I feel about it....it's whatever. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me sad. I don't even care. The weird thing is, I wish I did care. I don't even know who I am anymore. Lately I've been telling everyone how great I am, and it's true that I have my happy moments and I'm happy for a period of time and when I'm around people, but then I get home and I'm alone in my room and my true feelings and thoughts pour out of my head and onto this stupid, stupid blog. That probably no one reads and I know no one really cares about. And I'm not saying that so you say "I care" because even if you do, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I've been hurt too many times to care about finding my own happiness. I've given up. I wish there was someone I could relate to, someone who could always be there for me, someone who understands, someone who cares, and mostly, someone that can help me find myself again. But I don't know if I will ever find that person.
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Im going to start using this thing. My mom said to start writing and said to online...I said i dont trust computers but you know what it doesn't really matter if im anonymous now does it? Plus, I don't know you in person or myself for that matter :/, but if I'm just an online friend needing some help no problems with that, right?
and whats great is my true friends know exactly who I am...like you. I dont even have to say. Oh god, im repeating what Chase said again.
and now I think every single point he made has come together. The one thing that didnt make sense was he said that no one could see what he could see, but only his true friends could see what he could see. And ___ said that's a contradiction. And he replied "My head is filled with contradictions; I'm a walking contradiction myself."
Heres the explanation to the people that don't really understand crazy talk. No one can see EXACTLY what is going on in your head, but your TRUE, REAL friends can see and understand exactly whats going on with you in their OWN minds eye...that is only if they are your TRUE friends though. And I use that word tenuously because there is no other word to describe true closeness of two people's minds.
About the contradiction; I mentioned that soooooo many times. Everything about myself is a contradiction which is why I can't figure out who I am. Any example in the entire universe I will contradict inside this brain that slowly feels like its reaching insanity. Example: (hmm...LITERALLY anything this is gonna be hard.) Wow...already. I can't make a simple decision of an example because my head is swirling with these thoughts. Fine, a simple one, I guess, (see always doubting myself :/) would be fine.
Q: Does being disorganized bother me?
A: I am a neat freak and nothing can be out of place...it NEEDS to be exactly perfect(perfectionism)
Hold on, hold on...
But...
I am constantly messy, my room is a mess, I lose things all the time, even my thoughts are one, big , disorganized mess.
And...
It doesn't bother me one bit. I like having everything all messy and then slowly fixing it up.
Conclusion:(I feel like this is science) I guess it is a pseudo science though hahah.
I enjoy, even like to be messy, but I'm a neat freak and nothing can be messed up.
The reason I chose to respond to this blog in particular is...well I guess I should say reasons is because the fact that I honestly couldn't read anymore of how we are exactly alike. We are still our own people of course but everything we think about and the times we think about it without even realizing it are almost exactly the same. Which is what chase was talking about about being "psychic" with people. He can't predict the future but he can connect with people so well that he can usually tell the actions they will take.
I talked about every single person being fake as well, but I'm starting to realize they choose to be. I won't hold any more of the truth back...I lie constantly to everyone too. But heres the thing, it's the person's choice.
Another realization...I read this blog before a long time ago(if I was how I normally am I would probably think but not say this as I did the first time)
I don't remember perfectly cause my memories not too great(I'm almost sure I was crying reading everythng you've written) not because, like I believed at the time, I was sad, but simply because you and me relate so well and I felt as if I could never tell you(for good reason) or if I did you wouldn't understand. I should have made this realization right when I read the last words of this single blog entry. I didn't realize at the time that I cried the hardest at those words because I longed to be that person. (another thing chase said to ___ coming right here this second)
But now it's ok,
Because I can tell you everything And I know that you'll always and forever understand.
You're probably getting that big smile and thinking or saying Awwwww... how you always do. and then you might say "I love you ____." I feel like I can glimpse into your mind if I really tried right now, but at the same time I feel like a maniac. Eek, I hope i'm not cracking up...be honest and tell me if I am. I only want honesty from now on. I wish for it from everyone, knowing that it won't happen, but I believe and have faith in you to actually follow through. (chase's beliefs are now completely how mine are) We almost share minds, you and me, and he said that he is the antichrist(meaning his faith and guidance is so strong in himself and he will always help and be true and honest to anyone that is good to him and has faith in him) and because of the amount of faith he has in himself he WILL help almost always. (I use "almost" here because NO promises is one of my key things. Promises can only hold disappointments and are usually made to be broken.)What he says does not translate literally to God, which is where he gets misunderstood. He's not sure if anyone can think the way he can so he says THE antichrist, thing is though....there are many...actually time for a contradiction again(sorry) there may only be him and I will never know for sure because when I was in deep conversation with him he said "Look me in the eyes" I did and I had complete faith in him, I felt it.(wierd to say that...complete faith in someone that is mentally insane) Then he said "You are a true friend, now you can see what I can see." So maybe this is the only reason my whole life is changing before my eyes and I'm having epiphanies(simply because he let me). Or maybe I unlocked the secret on my own and it gives hope to others. Not to believe they are "antichrists" but, by a better put name, simply have faith in themselves, not in some phony god, and they have the ability to help others by gaining others complete trust and faith in them and using their adeptness of life itself to understand what will happen to the person with the choices they make.
It scares me though he has the mind of a child by blurting everything out and not thinking that others should or would think he was crazy.He acts so carefree too. Maybe thats where I come in; even ___ doesn't seem to understand everything about whats going on in that wise child's (contradiction) head. He has half the mind of a very wise old man and half that of a young, free-spirited boy. I think just about anyone would have some quandaries(doubts, if I'm using the word in the correct pretense) about him.
If I had to put Chase's words into my mouth I think I myself am like a "Disciple". It's weird I'm not even quite sure what one is seeing as I am very very unreligious(not a word but nonreligious sounded wrong). If the name doesn't fit with what it really means let me know. K? Basically, in my own terms "Im just one of the wise in a young body helping to teach and somewhat almost preach what this seemingly insane "Jesus" is trying to tell the world."
I probably should have put this in a blog cause it's super super long and might have to be deleted if it revealed too much :[ Sorry in advance if it did.
So without reading and trying to remember everything I wrote, I can basically sum it up as I am completely insane or he is completely sane, possibly vice versa...or maybe we both really are normal. I need advice, possibly help (haha literally).
I don't know, and i'll never be sure myself but I have complete faith in you since we share thoughts soooooo...
you tell me?????????
P.S.: I read through and changed some things for privacy issues in case my UNTRUE friends living out here in this wasteland of a place I call home happen upon it. I'll never hear the end of it, and they'll think im not mentally stable. Guys aren't supposed to think like this either. I hope you get my drift.
I hope you agree with me on this one. I'm your wish come true. I'm quoting this one more time "I WISH there was someone I could relate to, someone who could always be there for me, someone who understands, someone who cares, and mostly, someone that can help me find myself again." "But I don't know if I will ever find that person." I can't speak for you, but I know that I, myself, have found that person for me...you.
I love you.
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