Thursday, April 30, 2009

let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters

I have absolutely no motivation to write this paper (whatever, it's only a rough draft anyway). I am not even all that tired. Sleep sounds good and my bed sounds comfortable; that's all. I honestly want to write a paper (not right now, though) about how stupid papers are and how I have better things to do with my time like find the meaning to life. If I was high...oh, if I was high....

I have a problem with cravings. Like, is it possible to be a cravaholic? I am almost always craving something or other!

a lifetime of love in a matter of seconds

Every time I say goodbye to Grayson, I ask him for kiss, a hug, or even just a "knuckle shake" (in teen terms, pound it). He almost never gives me any of those; occasionally I'll get a knuckle shake. But today, my mom had come to pick me up from my sister's house after work. We were all just standing in the dining room and my sister was holding Grayson, and he leaned in to kiss me. It was the sweetest thing. I will forever cherish that moment. I wasn't even leaving at that moment, and he gave me a kiss. But of course, as I do go to leave, and my sister says "Grayson, give Janae a kiss and a hug, or a knuckle shake," he does as he usually does (or does NOT, rather) and didn't give me any of them. I didn't even care this time though. That one kiss will last me a lifetime. I love my nephew so much. I can't wait till he gets older and I drive and I can take him to Legoland!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

the truth is hiding in your eyes

and it's hanging on your tongue

My ipod is being stupid.
I am craving a peach arizona.
Tiffany is coming to pick me up in like ten minutes.

I wish it was Juuuuune.
(license, possibly a car, chspe, EDC, summer!)

Btw, I hate when people say btw like"b-t-w." It's by the way.
Talk like a human being or get the hell away from me.

I wish I was an alien.
Catdog was probably an alien.

Monday, April 27, 2009

don't you say you're leaving

why don't you stay a little bit longer
got it going on and i just can't believe it
this feeling it just keeps getting stronger

I miss him, but don't think I don't miss you, too. Because I really do, and I'm sure my feelings are still there...but I told you that I didn't want to hurt you. I am ready to open up to you about a lot of things, and I want to tell you the story about him and me. Are you ready to hear it? I hope so. It will explain a lot to you probably and maybe you'll understand better why I did what I did. You are one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I mean that with my whole heart. It's just really complicated. Everything is so fucking complicated. FML.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

i need a little more, i think

because enough is never quite enough
what's enough?

It is so easy to just sit here.
To think, and sit, and think, and sit.
Staring at the ceiling and I feel dead alone.
Lost, but I know where I belong.

What is the problem?
Is there a problem?
Define problem.

Life is always about defining, and learning,
and winning, and losing, and living, and dying.

What's the point?
What's enough? like the song says.

I want to find the answers.
But I don't even know what the questions are.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing
would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And
contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would.
You see? It would be so nice if something made sense for a change."
- Alice In Wonderland

If life is the question, what is the answer?

Monday, April 20, 2009

now it's time to show who i wanna be

you tried to take the best of me
you try to take the best of me

you held me down
watched me down on my knees
but you know i get through
so right now what's next
what is to do
feel the love
feel the love that's lost
and lay the blame on you

i better find another love
that is really true

I had such an incredible weekend. Definitely one of the most amazing ones I've ever had, and it for sure included the best night of my life. I have never had so much fun!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Life is a whirlpool of lies and and fuck ups.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

mobile blog 1

Cool! I can post blogs from my phone now! This is awesome. Hahaha. I am so weird.

and though you're out of sight,

you're never, ever out of my mind

I have lived in Simi my entire life, and so that is mostly why I want to get away. But I am pretty sure I'll probably come back here in the future and raise my kids here. It's a nice place to grow up. Although when you're a teenager, you will probably get into trouble. Most of them do, here. It's only because there is nothing better to do. But just because people do stupid things and have bad family life environments, doesn't make them a bad person. If I moved to go live in a neighborhood where almost every family was "perfect" and all the kids were good because they never knew anything else, I'm sure eventually a "bad" family would move to said neighborhood, and the "good" children would get a glimpse of that family's "bad"children, and they would feel extremely superior. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't want my kids thinking they are better than anyone else just because their family life isn't screwed up and they don't make stupid choices like many people do. I think that's why, in the end, I will come back to Simi and raise my children here. I've met some amazing people, despite their choices and their family lives. They are real. That is what I want my kids to know. I want them to know people who are real, and who have experienced things and can teach them about life. After all, life is just a bunch of lessons. Until we learn them all, we won't find the bigger picture.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

life of the lifeless

It's nice that we can all be mature and forget about the past and have a good night together, even if we did get arrested. I am still lost, but these moments help.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

we have no conscience

It doesn't feel right to call anyone. I never feel like anyone is there for me anymore. And even if they say they are, they don't really listen. Or if they do, they are just thinking to themselves that my problems are nothing in comparison to theirs'.

I want to run away and grow up and live in an apartment all alone. Alone and afraid, of everything and nothing. I won't even have a pet to keep me company, because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to take good enough care of it, since I obviously don't even know how to take care of myself.

Can I be honest? I don't want to be your friend anymore.
Can I be honest? That fear of commitment is hitting me again, and taking up all the space in my head. It is the only thing I can think about. Run, run, just run away. It's what you know best, Janae.
Can I be honest? I feel like I am too different to fit in with anyone. Even when I feel like someone understands, I am proven wrong yet again. No one understands me. I wonder if anyone ever will.

Now is one of those times where, in a heartbeat, I would go back in time if I could. I would change everything. I don't like being lost anymore. I'm so lost that I don't know where I belong.

so go on, and tear me apart

I'm sick of pretending like everything is okay. I've said this before, so why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep pretending?

Even as I feel like I'm getting stronger and stronger, something happens to make me feel weak again. What the fuck is wrong w/ me?

I feel hated and hated and hated.

I just want to be loved. Once and for all.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

we can talk without the words

I love Sarah and Riley. They are really great friends. Even though we had a falling out, they are still there for me. They came to see me today after school, because I asked if they could. They even brought me my favorite kind of shake: Neapolitan Shake from In-N-Out! It was definitely the highlight of my day being able to see them and talk about things in my room. Like old times, except at my house instead of Sarah's house.

Now I have to change because my mommy and I are going to the grocery store.

Mashed potatoes tonight? I hope so!

my heavy soul can't stand the light

Fuck you.

Fuck you for saying I didn't make you feel better.
Fuck you for saying that I didn't even make an effort.

I tried. Obviously that's worth nothing to you.

Monday, April 6, 2009

i think that possibly, maybe, i'm falling for you

It kind of sucks that I wanted to go to the beach with you today, and instead you went with someone else. Even though we technically had plans. But who am I to be angry? I'm obviously just being selfish, and I am getting over upset over nothing.

Fuck that. I will be upset if I want to.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Although I'm pretty confident and set on who I am, I still feel like I have much soul-searching to do. I don't know if I can do that with someone on my side. I think that it something I need to do on my own. I like you, more than you probably realize, but I am just nervous. I'm not sure if this is what I want right now. I mean, I want you. I really do. Everything I have said to you has been 110% true, and while we are on the same path, I still have many stepping stones to pass along the way, and I don't want to hold you back. I also don't want you to pull me farther forward than I'm ready to handle.