Tuesday, March 31, 2009

we wasted all our free time alone

Death is an indescribable thing. I have had friends lose family members and friends, and I have always been there for them. But even as I go through it another time, I still never know what to say. There isn't much you can say, or do, and even if I feel like I'm saying all the right things, it just seems as if I'm causing more pain for that person. I hope that isn't what I'm doing, because I really am just trying to help and be there as much as I can. But maybe what they really need is to be alone. To have time to think. I know there is always denial inside, and so they need time to accept it and move on. I guess I just want to be there in the process. To lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, and so on. I am trying. Maybe too hard?

I am here. I will always be here. I love you.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

there isn't anybody else exactly quite like me

I haven't been this happy in a while. But it feels like last time did, and we all saw how that turned out. Everything seemed perfect, and then I ended up getting hurt again like usual. Serves me right, perfection doesn't exist. If you ever think everything is perfect, you will always be wrong. Although it feels like last time, it doesn't feel perfect. I hope it never does. I like the way things are right now. I like the way they are going.

I hope you're still kissing me in your mind, like you said you were last night. I'm still kissing you in mine.

"Tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true"

Friday, March 27, 2009

you were out of my league

at a distance that I didn't want to see

For some reason, when I go to bed normally, the area around my wisdom tooth and the actual tooth itself, hurt really badly in the morning. Like I was chewing on my cheek or grinding my teeth during the night, and that's why. But when I go to bed high, like last night, my teeth didn't hurt in the morning. Wtf? Maybe I'm just paranoid and it really has nothing to do with being high. But maybe it does, and I figured out something awesome! Hahaha. I don't know.

Working today and then tonight I am seeing Little Shop of Horrors with Avalon. Then tomorrow I am cleaning my bathroom and bedroom all day long and then going on a date :)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

i'm a troublemaker, never been a faker

Sometimes I am afraid to post certain things in my blogs in fear that someone I know who doesn't normally read it, reads that entry that they just so happen to be featured in. But I am sick of being afraid. I am going to be truthful and raw and human, and speak my mind.

I really like hanging out with you, and I hope we become better friends. But I feel like you don't trust me and so you don't really tell me very much about you or your life. I don't know. Maybe it's because we haven't really hung out that many times yet, but maybe you really don't trust me. I want you to know, though, that I am one of the most nonjudgmental and trustworthy people you will ever meet. I know it's hard to believe that right off the bat, but I hope you will learn it and believe it soon. You're just one of those people that I feel really comfortable around. Someone with whom I can be myself. You know?

M.J. is the love of my life. Seriously.

I cannot wait to have my license and a car. Life is going to be so free, even though I have so much work to do this summer and will probably have hardly any free time. Having a car is freedom enough.

Life is pretty decent right now. I am quite satisfied.
Maybe that's just the wings.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Making out at the tennis courts

It was cute and sweet. It was a nice first kiss. Not the most amazing thing ever. Definitely not a kiss you'd see in a movie. But it is a good memory and I don't regret any of it.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i will stay the same

Lately, you are treating me like I am the biggest hassle in your life. Maybe you should realize that you are lucky I am still your friend, after what you did and how it affected my life. I'll leave you alone when the school year is over, okay? That seems to be what you want.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

'How I Paid For College' will crack you up.

Everything. One of the funniest books I've ever read. Take my word for it, and just read it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

i'm not a supermodel, i still eat mcdonald's

Are you that oblivious?

Today has been such a relaxing day. It really sucks that Sierra and Tiffany aren't in Daryl and I's class anymore. But even so, this has been a pretty nice Monday. Which is odd, because Mondays are known to be awful. Especially after a good weekend. Hm.

I can't wait for Spring! Five more days! I love my new dress. The office ladies complimented me on it. They are so kind to meee.

Friday, March 13, 2009

i am confident but i still have my moments

Is it horrible that I'd rather stay at home than hang out with you anymore? You are being a typical, stupid girl. I feel like the worst person for saying all of this, but I can't take it any longer. I can't
go on and keep giving up my nights just to deal with this shit.
I love you to death but it's obvious where your love lies.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

March horoscope from Michael Lutin

"Amid the noise and bustle of your worldly life, you are strangely not part of it. It’s almost as if you are watching a movie, even taking part in the action and yet you are not really there. And you certainly have responsibilities you have to meet, people who expect you to show up and be present for their needs and demands and actively participate in the trivial affairs of this world, when your heart, mind and soul are somewhere else. To say you are distracted is an understatement, although that doesn’t mean you are not making a valiant attempt to be a part of the moving, flowing insane stream of human affairs. Oddly, however, you are elsewhere. You are dealing with matters that require you to be off by yourself, not necessarily in another world, but away from the cacophanous nerve-jangling madness that defines so much of our existence. You’ve got so much going on inside that few people if any know about. You put up a good front but with so many planets churning around in your solar twelfth house, one of them being Neptune, your planetary ruler, you need your moments of private meditation to attempt to work out extremely complicated emotional riddles that simply do not have a simple solution. So you can’t be totally present, mainly because people just wouldn’t understand. They would make their judgments and give you advice and prescriptions how to handle the deal. Right now as much as you may seek that sort of support, you can’t really listen very long to anybody. How could you when you are in the process of exploding?"

Source: http://www.michaellutin.com

It seems I have more soul-searching to do this month. Alrighty!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

when i'm with him, i am thinking of you

I am seriously considering reclaiming my virginity. Not in a religious way, but for myself. I am in extreme need of a fresh start, and I am so tired of sex that has no feelings attached. I want to wait till I'm in love. It's going to be a tough struggle, and I may need some support here and there, but mostly I am going to do this on my own. I know I can do it. It still isn't a thing I'm 100% sure about, but the percentage is pretty high up there.

That's all I really wanted to say for now. I am really tired, so I'm headed off to my sweet, sweet bed. Mmmmm, sleep.

Monday, March 9, 2009

i guess this is growing up

I am going to start focusing on the more important things in my life. School, driving, my friends, and my family. Boys always seem to be my main focus, and I don't like it anymore. I know what I want, and I will wait patiently for it. I am not going to force anyone to like me, and I'm not going to force myself to like anyone else than the one person that I like. I will continue to go with the flow, like I've been doing. But I am not going to try to get what I want. If I am meant to get it, it will come in time. I have finally accepted that. I am sticking to working hard in school, getting in lots of driving before June, being nicer to my friends and spending more time with them, trying to see my Dad more often, and not giving my Mom so much attitude.

The partying lifestyle is great every once in a while, but I need to focus on the important stuff right now. I can't risk my future anymore. I have too many goals that I want to accomplish.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

i'm so far gone now

I have reached 100 posts. This one will make it 101. I am really quite proud of myself. I need to start writing more though. Haven't been updating you guys on my super exciting life. Later, if I have time.

Shopping with Serina, getting my eyebrows waxed, not sure what I'm doing after that, and then hanging out with Grayson for a few hours while the adults play Texas Hold 'Em.

Drunken Apples to Apples is the best fucking game ever. Girls night was so much fun :) I love my friends a whole lot.

Homesick in Arizona.

I missed my bed, I missed my friends, and mostly I just missed Simi.

I am always complaining about how much it sucks here, and how I can't wait to get away, but I am so afraid to leave. It's comfortable and I know my way around. It's all I know. It's home.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

give me one reason to stay here

My mom was just on the phone with her boyfriend, and after their conversation was over, she said "I love you, too." I have no idea what I should be thinking right now. They have only been together for about a month, and she isn't even legally divorced from my dad yet. I miss my dad so much. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could live with him, just so he wouldn't be alone. Ugh. What the fuck?

live, love, die

If you are going to do stupid shit, like heroin, I am not going to want to be around you. Getting fucked up on pills and doing coke all the time, I'm not into that. You guys are my friends and I love you no matter what, but I am going to stick with weed. Even getting drunk every weekend, that's too much for me. Every once in a while is fun, but I don't need to drink to have fun. Weed is definitely the drug for me. I may not smoke weed my entire life, but I'm in high school and I like weed and I'm good for now. Life moves on and things will happen, but I am not going to hang out with people who do those dumb things.

R.I.P. Ant. You were a cool guy.

mistakes become regrets

It's hard to look back on how happy I was, and then look at how unhappy I am now. Things are so different. What happened? I don't think I've ever been that happy. I hope I can find that happiness once again. I'm trying to be patient. But it's really hard.

I like you. I thought you liked me. I guess we'll see what happens. You're a great guy, but you confuse me to no end. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It feels like a bad one, but I could be wrong.

I'm wrong quite often.

What is love, anyway?

Monday, March 2, 2009

i'll never be the same, i'll tell you for sure

It never leaves.

Pizzatopia, wearing your coat, Mud Man's house, Denjin arcade, when you first put your arm around me, falling asleep next to you, free ice cream, making that face at you, your laugh, your smile, the way you rocked out to your music in your car, listening to Circa Survive and just holding each other, keeping you out way past curfew, when you mouthed the words along with the song "Ecstasy" and sang it to me.

"You really are my ecstasy,
My real life fantasy"

How are those feelings mutual for a month,
and then just disappear for you and not me?
That isn't fair.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Go away.
Leave me alone.
I want to be done.

i've never seen you fall so hard

Nobody wants an obsessive girl.
But I am who I am.


"At the bottom of the pile
buried, and missing a cover
there is a book.
It isn’t a popular book
and the author’s name
you’d never know.
But it is truly a work of art
written just for you.

Inside, somewhere near the middle pages,
there is a sentence
that best describes your life
and answers all the questions you’ve ever had.

Pure poetry.

It’s remarkable.

You’d agree.

you’ll never read it
because it is getting late
and you have work in the morning
and you are already thinking about
how to beat traffic."

-Dallas Clayton

Sunday, March 1, 2009

i wanna be forgotten

but i don't wanna be reminded

1. I have so many great memories, but the feelings attached to them are some of the worst feelings I've ever felt. It is impossible not to be reminded of you. The littlest things spark a thought in my mind, an old memory, one good day among many amazing ones. All I can think about anymore is how much I wish I could go back, and how I will never be able to. Things leave, people leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody. I will never forget you, but I need to forever let you go. I am trying with every inch of strength I have, but it's hard. One of the toughest things I've ever tried to do, and had to do.

2. I was so unsure of everything earlier today, and seeing you just now cleared so many of my cloudy thoughts from the sky that is my mind. Maybe I still don't know exactly what I want, but I at least know this.....you are amazing. Don't ever forget that, babe.

3. You are a truly great guy. I may not know you as well as your family and friends do, but I can see it in you. You are an all around great person. I adore you, I really do.....but the thing is, there are too many cons with our situation. And you deserve a talented, beautiful (on the inside and out), kind virgin. It's the truth.

4. I know that you originally didn't really want me to go today, but I hope we are friends. We are in my opinion, but I don't know about yours.

5. I wish you didn't like me so much. You're a great friend to me, but you don't deserve the pain that you already know is going to come. You will make some girl very happy one day.

P.S. Epiphany! The day you can say you have moved on, is the day you realize the reason behind something bad that happened to you. I hope whoever reads that understands it.