Thursday, February 26, 2009



Tonight - Dinner at my house with family, family friends, and a couple friends of my own. Chi Chi's Pizza for dinner and a cake from Baskin Robbins for dessert!

Tomorrow - DISNEYLAND. With Jessica, Jolena, Tiffany, and Avalon. Then Bj's for dinner. My FAVORITE restaurant. Free pizookie just for me! :)

Saturday - Possibly the beach with Keri and Serina...and others?
Saturday night - Show at the BGC! I get to see Jonny! :D

Sunday - I have no clue but I want to go on an adventure.

I am so excited. I hope this weekend turns out to be a blast, like I'm expecting it to be! I haven't been getting my hopes up about anything lately, besides this.

Seventeen. Finally.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

we're so different now

I'm sick of half the people in this town. Most of them are liars, fakes, bitches, skanks, and assholes. I want to leave Simi Valley and make new friends, somewhere else. Keeping the good ones by my side, obviously. But leave all the fucked up people to do what they do best, where they do it best.

I want a new start in a new place with some new people.
Where I can become a new me.
But stay the same Janae that I am inside.

That sounds fucking amazing.

broken inside

It's really sad when people read my depressing blogs and then they don't comment on them. It may sound selfish to you, but I would like to feel cared about. Or at least know that someone is out there, listening. But whatever. C'est la vie, I guess.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Learning to live is learning to let go.


"A powerful song
is one
that makes me remember
that never actually happened to me."

-Dallas Clayton

I had an alright day.
I wish it was my birthday already, though.
I am a tad stressed and a lot confused.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

who will be the one who's there?


who will be the one to save me from myself?

I remember when it was "You're not experienced enough." Now it's "You're too experienced." Where did the days go? Days turn into nights, and nights turn into days. They all seem to blend together. I'm never good enough. I'm never pretty enough, I'm never smart enough, I'm never outgoing enough. I'm too weird, I'm too annoying, I'm too me. I'm sick of being pushed around and stepped on and I hate when people tiptoe around my feelings and are extremely obvious about it. I hate when I have no one to cuddle with, and when guys tell me they like me and then go hook up with other girls. I mean, I guess I do the same thing and it's kinda fucked up but it should be like common courtesy. I think the only reason I even do it is because guys do the same shit to me and I already know it's gonna come eventually so why not screw it up before it even gets started. But where is the logic in that? My mind works in the fucking craziest ways and I can't even explain it. I just wish someone understood. I wish someone was honestly there for me. Everyone always says they are and they act like they are showing it but they really aren't. I know when someone truly cares and is truly there for me. And to be frank, it sure doesn't feel like anyone is really there. I'm alone. Sitting in a dark corner with my hands neatly folded in my lap and no one to talk to. My voice is gone. I can't talk, even if I wanted to. It's like I was never even taught to speak. It is so aggravating and frustrating and every emotion imaginable. But most of all, it is lonely. It is really lonely sitting in this dark corner. All alone. By myself. Like always.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

they don't know how long it takes

waiting for a love like this

Maybe I was destined for bigger and better things.
Maybe I wasn't.

All I know, is that this is my life.
And the only way it is going to change, is if I change.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i wanted you to stay here holding me

Leaving town to Arizona gave me a lot to think about. Life is too short.

My Daily Singles horoscope for today from Yahoo, is very interesting. "Now's a great time to empower yourself. Life is a series of choices -- nothing more, nothing less. If you're not where you want to be as far as work or romance, it's time to make some changes. So put a lid on the blaming, rationalizing and minimizing already. It's about personal responsibility." It is very true, actually. Everything is about choices, and personal responsibility. And as far as romance, I am not where I want to be. So I am going to do just as my horoscope tells me, and make some changes. I have already started, really. I have just been going with the flow and doing what I want, but like it tells me, I need to stop blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. I think and analyze everything way too much.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

so tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?

Every day I wonder.....would you still laugh if I made that face at you?

you make it easier when life gets hard

I miss how you used to light up when I made you laugh. I miss making that face at you, you know the one, and it cracked you up every time. I miss the way you held my face with both your hands when you kissed me, the way I love. I miss talking to you. I miss feeling so comfortable around someone that I could say, do, and act however I wanted. I miss being around you. I miss the butterflies. Most of all, I miss you. You, who blew me off like it wasn't any big deal. You, who still, to this day, won't tell me the real reason you stopped liking me. I know you didn't just randomly stop. I know there had to be something. Anything. It doesn't even matter what it is, anymore. I just want to go back. I want to start over. But sadly, there is no chance of that. No matter how much the same it felt when I saw you. It will never be the same, because you won't let it. I know you won't let it. I want you back, and you weren't ever mine to begin with.

Monday, February 9, 2009

take time to realize

I try so many times
but it's not taking me
and it seems so long ago
that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head
and crazy
but I can't get out of it
I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fear's on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
but It's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling

Life plays so many games inside of me
and I've had some distant cries, following
and their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
but it's frayed at both the ends
and I'm slow unraveling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire....

The bold parts are how I feel.

"One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillat, if you were wondering.

it's too late, they won't let go

When I don't think about you, you are free from my world. But when I do think about you, I can't help but miss you. We clicked. I thought we really had something special. I don't know how to move on.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

we're going down like sinking ships

As I sit in my computer chair with my bedroom door open, I look at my dog and think..."Does she know how much I love her?" Sometimes I don't show it enough. Sometimes I forget that dogs have feelings, too. Dogs are just like people. I worry about my dogs the way I worry about my family and friends. I hope she knows I love her more than grass loves the rain. She's my baby.

I learn something new every day. Valuable to my life, or not. Today I learned that I can be a really great friend. I am putting this to use as of right now!

I'm trying. Day after day, I'm trying.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

the evenings are calm, but i'm restless

A bunch of random thoughts:

Labels ruin things. I miss Sarah, and I'm afraid I've lost her forever. He hasn't been texting me back.
What is love like? Maybe I don't want to know. I like being single. But I want to be someone's "one and only."

Ice water is so refreshing.

I want to write so much right now, but I have to go to bed. Waking up early tomorrow morning because of Job Shadow Day. How exciting! Not. Smoking weed before though, so that should make it so much better.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

you're taking over my mind

"I would like to make a quilt

as heavy as those vests you have to wear
when they take your x ray at the dentist
only full of small flowers instead of lead
like a lavender potpourri,
but big enough to cover my entire bed
and me as well.

No reason for this.
No marketing plan.

Just think it would feel nice.
Like being hugged
by a giant friend."

-Dallas Clayton (

I really like this. It makes me feel comfortable and warm.

It is my cousin Daniel's birthday. Happy Birthday, Daniel!
He will probably not read that but it's okay, I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I am just continuing to dig myself into a deeper hole. Every second of every day, I sit and listen and I don't learn. I never learn. Why is that?

My mom has a new boyfriend. His name is Ted. He is cool.

My dad ordered my laptop. A Dell Studio 17. Jet black. I'm excited. But the ship date is February 16th. That is too far awaaaaay. Grrrr. I have patience problems.

I have a 3 page essay to write on The Jungle and I don't want to do it. I have to, and I will, but I really don't want to. Not looking forward to it at all. Ugh.