Wednesday, December 31, 2008

'cause i'm not your princess

this ain't a fairytale
i'm gonna find someone someday
who might actually treat me well

I thought it was different this time. And it still could be, but he said "I just feel like we're taking this way too fast." Okay. Why now? Why not a week ago, when I wasn't pulled this far under quite yet?
I want to climb up to the very top of a mountain, scream my lungs out, and then cry for as long as I need to. I can't keep my mind on this right now! I need to clean so I can go out. Why do these bad thoughts always have to distract me? Go awaaaay.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

"some things are too good to be true"

Maybe I'm tripping out over nothing, but I really don't know what to believe anymore. For once I'm assuming the best of someone, thinking that he would never do that to me. I just don't know.

this ain't hollywood, this is a small town

I hid my depression for so long that I can no longer tell if I'm actually happy or if I'm faking it. It's worrying me. A lot of things are worrying me. I worry a lot. Clinton hasn't been scared off yet, and it's worrying me. I have so many classes to make up, and it's worrying me. My dad is moving out on Friday, and it's worrying me. Mitzi is really old, and it's worrying me. There are so many more things I could name, but I don't have time. I have to take a shower and eat something, because I'm babysitting Alyssa and Robert at noon. I don't know when I get off, but when I do, I have to come home and finish my chores. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I have no idea what I'm doing. Woohoo. Happy New Year. I just wanted to kiss him. But hey, if I've gone sixteen years without a New Year's kiss, what's one more year, right?

Monday, December 29, 2008

i'm ready to be heartbroken

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now, and I have no idea how to organize them all. It's been clarified that Clinton and I are "seeing each other." I couldn't be happier about that. It is also very difficult to be friends with both Bobbi and Serina, when they aren't friends anymore. When I'm at one house, I can't call the other. And vice versa. I love both of them so much and am trying really hard not to pick sides. I want to be there for each of them as much as I can, but it really isn't easy for me. What has been easy for me lately, however, is crying. Marley & Me, now How to Deal. I don't know what is with me! I guess I'm starting to relate to others more. My mind continues to race.....I have to clean now.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

nothing heard, nothing said.

This is going to be a really great day. I can feel it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

do you feel alive when i'm next to you?

Thank you, Sarah, for introducing me to this amazing band.

I am posting an apology blog. To everyone I have ever hurt in any possible way. I am sorry for everything I've ever done or said to you, about you, et cetera. I want to make peace with all of of you. Every single person I have ever lied to, every single person I have ever made cry, every single person that I have hurt at all, I'm sorry. I hope we can leave the past in the past. I don't want to talk shit anymore. I don't want to be that person. I want to see the good in people. I'm trying. I hope that's enough.

Merry Christmas Eve Day! Have a great night, everyone.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

baby, all i want for christmas is you

It's weird how one person can change everything. How one day it can be pouring, and the next day the sky is clear and the sun is shining. How a train crash can ruin so many peoples' lives. How a smile from a stranger can brighten your outlook on life.

Christmas Eve is going to be so different without my Uncle Bill, Aunt Christine, and cousins Daniel and Becky this year. I hope they are enjoying London. I miss them a ton. Simi Valley isn't the same without them. I have many memories with them. Especially Becky. I miss her! I miss playing "bar" in her old house. And when we played hide and seek and hid in the cupboards, and Daniel never found us.

My life has changed so much throughout the years. I am still young, but I've been through a lot. Definitely not as much as a lot of my friends have, but even so. Sometimes I wish I could start completely over. I've made so many mistakes that I wish could easily be forgiven. But life isn't supposed to be easy.

It scares me that I don't know where this is going. But I'm excited to find out.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

life is full of surprises

I haven't been this happy in a really long time. I hope you feel as great as I do right now, boy. Because I feel pretty damn fucking amazing.

School, work, then ice cream. Shhhh! :]

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

the best is yet to come

I know you don't read this. You hardly even go on MySpace. But I'm still scared that if you do read it, you'll think I like you too much. I still hardly know you, but there is something about you that I can't get enough of. Normally the cuteness and the "I think you'd fit right into my life" and "I'd kiss you back, silly" would get to be too much for me and I'd run away from it all. But something is different this time. I think it's you. You make me feel safe and like there is nothing to afraid of. When I'm with you, I feel like we could take over the world. It's intense, but relaxing at the same time. I like this pace. I loved seeing you today. I haven't felt this good about something in a really long time. I hope the feeling lasts. I can't help but be scared, though. And although you make me feel like there's nothing to be afraid of, I already told you that with being hurt so often, I have no choice to be cautious.

I feel like my title. "The best is yet to come."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

do you have to let it linger?

I know it's a bit much to say that someone is perfect, but they can get pretty dang close to it. I don't really know what it is, but this situation feels different. I'm getting my hopes up as usual, but for some reason I'm not worried. And I'm pretty much always worried. This just feels right. I don't know what is going to come from any of this, but whatever it is, I'm ready. I've never felt more ready in my life. For the unknown. The new. The future.

Sitting on a very silent shuttle bus, really makes you wish that you could read peoples' minds. Silence is nice sometimes, but for the most part it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's just me, maybe not. But silence is creepy.

This weekend was great. I'm exhausted, but in the best way.
Do you ever feel that way?

Friday, December 12, 2008

stay beautiful

I'm excited for what may or may not come from this. Whatever happens, I know I can be okay with it. The unknown is such a scary, awesome thing.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i'm quite the joke to you

I am so stressed lately, and I'm so nervous and scared that I'm not going to get into the High School @ Moorpark College. It would be such a good thing for me, and I really want it. Like, I haven't wanted anything this bad in a really long time.

My mom was yelling at me earlier about how I never do what she asks me to and I was mad and arguing with her because she always interrupts me and changes the subject to what she wants from me. I already had a bad day and told her she wasn't making it any better. She told me to go in my room after I was done eating and I said that I was planning on doing that anything. She just came in and asked me for a hug. I asked her why she always does that after we have a fight. I said it's annoying. I told her what is going on this weekend. We didn't hug. She said goodnight and left. As soon as she left, I turned up my music and started crying.

No one gets it. I am so stressed and depressed about everything lately and the only thing to make me smile (only on the inside) in the last ten minutes is the fact that "stressed" and "depressed" rhyme. I need someone. I know I have my family and my friends and they are always there, and I have so many people I could talk to about my issues. But I still feel like nobody completely understands. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who will ever get it. And I don't want to go through life without someone. I'm so afraid of being alone, yet when I'm alone my true feelings come out. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of being alone. I hate being this way. I hate showing how I really feel. I like to hide. I like to escape.

On the board in Mr.Aurand's room today, the daily quote said "The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." I literally walked in, sat in my desk, read the board, and glared at the quote.

Escape is my reality. I don't know how to live any other way. Help!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood

I don't even know who to trust anymore. Finding out that people who I really thought were my friends were talking shit about me right next to gives me the worst feeling. I am sick of people sitting there, telling me they care, and then fucking me over. I think I trick my mind into thinking that I'm happy, like when I'm with my friends. Then every time I get home, I sit here and get extremely lonely and depressed. I am so unmotivated and lazy and sick of peoples' bullshit. I don't want to put up with it anymore. Why am I so tolerant of these people? Why do I let them pull this shit continually? Why can't I say no? Why can't I stop it all? I want time to freeze so I don't have to deal anymore. I want eternal happiness. I want love. I want too many things. I'm sick of lying and I'm sick of not being able to show my true self around my friends, just because their friends think I'm annoying. Get over it. If you're gonna say that shit, say it to my fucking face. Or at least over a message or text or SOMETHING. Instead of fucking talking shit behind my back and then pretending we're chill when we're all hanging out. That is what pisses me off to no end. People are so fucking fake and it sickens me. Ugghhh.

Nobody even cares anymore. That's honestly what I think and how I feel.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

what i am thankful for...

My family is truly the most important thing in the world to me. They know how to make me laugh, and deep down I know they only want the best for me. We have our ups and downs, like all families, but they are the reason I am still breathing. I don't know what I would do without them. This was the best Turkey Day of my life. And I'm really glad Tiffany got to share it with me.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

and my daddy said, "stay away from juliet"

A few minutes ago, I sent a text to one of my friends and realized how depressed I am inside. But I try and hide it from everyone, including myself. Why? "I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Everyone is so fake and I'm sick of it. I knew what I wanted and I lost it and now I've lost my heart." I've lost my heart, my mind, and my soul. I'm nothing like I used to be and it kills me knowing that so many people still think so poorly of me. I know it's my own fault, but it honestly just sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I have changed, and no one can see it nor do they believe me. Honestly, I am the only one who can see just how much I've changed. Do you want to know the main thoughts that have been filling my head all day? People are pathetic pieces of shit who start false rumors out of pure boredom, the only person you can completely trust is yourself, and it is sad that so many people believe whatever they hear, no matter how good of friends you are with them or not. This is the worst time of year to be upset. My parents' divorce isn't even affecting me at all. Everyone keeps saying "I'm sorry to hear that" and "How are you taking it?" and I'm just like, whatever. That's how I feel about's whatever. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me sad. I don't even care. The weird thing is, I wish I did care. I don't even know who I am anymore. Lately I've been telling everyone how great I am, and it's true that I have my happy moments and I'm happy for a period of time and when I'm around people, but then I get home and I'm alone in my room and my true feelings and thoughts pour out of my head and onto this stupid, stupid blog. That probably no one reads and I know no one really cares about. And I'm not saying that so you say "I care" because even if you do, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I've been hurt too many times to care about finding my own happiness. I've given up. I wish there was someone I could relate to, someone who could always be there for me, someone who understands, someone who cares, and mostly, someone that can help me find myself again. But I don't know if I will ever find that person.

Monday, November 24, 2008

pour some sugar on me

It's very relaxing to know that boys are finally becoming interested in me. But at the same time it's really weird, because I'm not used to it. I had a really good today and my mom made tacos for dinner. I am going to go watch one of my shows soon and then shower and go to bed, so I can wake up on time. Then I won't be late to English and Shane, Jacob, and I can draw animals together. Fun! This is going to be an amazing break. I get my phone service back tomorrow night. Sweeeeet.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

my heart keeps leaping back to you

Basically, this next weekend is going to be amazing. Tomorrow, I am getting out of school early to sit in Tiffany's classes and "observe." Tuesday, it is Taco Tuesday. And it's the first day of the long weekend. Five days off, woohoo! Then I don't know what I'll be doing on Wednesday, but Tiffany is joining my family and me for Thanksgiving. Which will be awesome. Keeping the tradition going, you best believe it! The rest of the weekend I don't know what's gonna happen but I'm sure it'll be good because I have fantastic friends. I'm really gonna miss Bobbi while she's in Yosemite though. Oh well, I can't do anything about it.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

welcome to my life

To be completely honest, I want a boyfriend. Really really really really badly. But I am so used to not having one, and not getting any of the people that I want, that I expect NOT to get one. For a very long time. Even when boys say they like me, they pretty much never ask me out. I want to start going out on dates. Why doesn't anyone do it that way anymore? Where's my dreamboy? Hahaha. I want an adventure. I want something real for once.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

calling this home when it's not even close

I realized last night when I was laying in my bed, that I'm a really caring friend. And I am ever so proud of that. I have come so far in only a matter of months, and yes I still have a long way to go, but I know I can make it.

I'm going to be late again. Because Ryan's dad had to borrow his car today, and so he can't pick me up. But he is probably going to pick me up tomorrow and then we'll go to school together. Hoorah!

Catch ya later!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it's a love story, baby just say yes

Today, I almost got a ticket for jaywalking. Good thing I got on the bus before the cop got to me. I hope no one else got tickets! But I'm pretty sure at least David did. That sucks! Blah. I still have to do the dishes. But honestly, I am way too hungry right now. I think I might make the second half of the mac & cheese. Yummy! On another note, this drama is bullshit. Yelling "Slut!" to me after school is uncalled for. If shit like that keeps happening, I'm going to confront someone about it. And if it continues after that, I just might blow up.

One thing I learned today...just because someone isn't talking to you as much, doesn't mean they've forgotten about you. Maybe they've just been really busy. Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to.

wherever we may go

Whenever I am at my grandma's house, I drink Pepsi. Well, if she has it in her fridge. But even if she had Coke, too, I would choose the Pepsi. Because it is a memory. When I was little, I always drank Pepsi at my grandma's house. Now I'm kind of craving a Pepsi. But I will only drink it there, or if a restaurant doesn't have Coke or Dr.Pepper.

I'm going to be late again, but tomorrow, Ryan is going to pick me up and we're gonna go to school together! That is exciting! I wanted this blog to be longer but I don't have time. I'm not even done getting ready! So I best be going. Have a great day, everyone! Though I'm sure it's too late to say that since everyone is probably at school by now. Oh well.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

don't trust a ho, never trust a ho

When I was younger, my dad used to buy me the toy cars from the Chevron gas stations. You know, the ones that have the eyes? And that was one of the few things him and I have ever bonded over. As I grew older, I didn't really play with them anymore so I decided to give most of them to my friend Deanna's niece, Tristyn. I don't know if she even still has them, but I miss them.

When I was Disneyland in August for Tiffany's birthday, I saw this adorable toy Chevron car that I was sure I never had owned. I decided to buy it for my Dad for his birthday. He loved it.

A few months after that, which was a couple weeks ago or so, he was going to give it to Grayson, my nephew. Which yes, is sweet and all, but I felt like my present didn't even mean all that much to my Dad anymore. It really hurt and it may seem silly to a lot of people, but it's not something I can get over. Ever. Probably because that's like one of the only things I felt close to my Dad with. Those cars.

It's not the same. I wish I didn't ever grow up.

Monday, November 17, 2008

you're awful, i love you

You say you want me so badly, and then you hardly call! I wish you would take me out already. You intrigue me, and I haven't been this curious about someone in a while. I'll be waiting...but not forever.

I have no idea what I'm going to do at lunch when I go back tomorrow. I know it's my fault for all of the reasons I can't sit with the two groups of people I used to sit with, but it really sucks. I'm not gonna pity myself or act like I want others to pity me, because that's like the complete opposite of what I want right now. But it would be nice to have a steady group of friends at school that I'm welcome to eat with.

I should probably go do the dishes now, since my parents will be home soon. I really, really hope I get into the hs@mc. That would be awesome.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

we light our own fires now

I'm starting to think I don't believe in God altogether.

i'll do whatever it takes

to turn this around
i know what's at stake
i know that i've let you down
and if you give me a chance
believe that i can change
i'll keep us together
whatever it takes

I spend so much time thinking about life and what our purpose on Earth is and how things exist. And honestly, music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. I thrive for happiness and love and finding the deeper meaning to all of this, whatever this is.

Question of the Day: What if death is the ultimate time travel?

I want to zoom through the next month. My parents' divorce, my interview for the hs@mc, and school. I just want the big changes to happen already. I don't want to endure them slowly.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

why should i care?

I refuse to act like I care, because even when I actually do, it doesn't matter. No one else cares that I care. And caring doesn't change anything, anyway.

i'll keep you my dirty little secret

My mom let me out last night even though I'm sick, but I am honestly really glad. I had such a nice time last night, going to the football game high with Tiffany and Avalon and then just hanging out with Cameron, Matt, and Serina. And I got really high. Again. I've been doing that a lot lately. But anyway, life is very thrilling and I love my friends!

Tiffany told me that I don't need to take Geometry at the hs@mc and I already know I didn't have to take a second year of Bio but now I know that I don't need Chem either and I am so excited to switch schools and this is a run-on sentence. Mr.Kohlmeier would be disappointed in me.

Wake and bake with Serina, woohoo!

Friday, November 14, 2008

it's something unpredictable

but in the end is right

I'm still not really reacting in any specific way to the whole divorce issue. I wonder what my mom thinks of that. As far as the love life goes, I have a few possible prospects to like but for now I'm not sticking to one guy. Whenever I do that, it seems to get me into trouble. I have been sick for the past couple of days, and it really sucks. The Royal vs. Simi football game is tonight, and I am desperately wanting to go. Tiffany really wants me to go, too. So when my mom gets back from lunch, I'm gonna try and convince her to let me out even though I'm sick. I mean, honestly, I haven't been to any of the football games this season. I went to more last year, when I didn't even go to Simi! And now that I go there, I haven't been going to the games. I find that ironic. Anyway, that's what's going on in my head right now.

Question of the Day:
When did people stop being sincere?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

when everything seems like nothing

Everything seems like nothing is going to change. But when the change comes, life is going to be so different for me. I don't know what it's gonna be like without my dad here. I'm nervous.

Monday, November 10, 2008

why do you put me on a pedastal?

i'm so up high that i can't see the ground below.

In all honesty, I'm scared. My parents are getting divorced and I don't know what to think of it. I just want my parents to be happy, and they know that. But it isn't really affecting me. I don't know when it will set in, if it ever will. I'm scared that it is going to affect me more than I want it to, and at the worst possible time.
On top of that, I don't want to get hurt again. I mean, I'm used to it so it won't be that big of deal if it does happen, but it really sucks. I'm always the one scaring people away and getting my heart stepped on. All I really want is someone to talk to, cuddle with, kiss, and have fun with. Is that a boyfriend? I'm not sure. I'm trying to go with the flow for once and it's working. But I'm still afraid of what may or may not happen. I can't help it. It's how I am. I'm a worry-wart. Grrrr.

But I really should get going. I'm late, yet again.

Friday, November 7, 2008

i guess it was never meant to be,

but it's just something we have no control over,
and that's what destiny is
but no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
maybe one day we'll wake up and this'll all just be a dream

I'm having good thoughts and feelings right now. I'm comfortable and excited and anxious and I have no idea what is going to happen next in my life. It is so full of surprises and delight lately! I am excited to daydream in class today and not pay any attention. It is just one of those days. Off to school!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

i'm just scared of what you think,

you make me nervous so i really can't eat

This week has been quite interesting and sort of eventful. I'm not really going to explain all of it in full detail just because that would be a really boring blog, even though my week has been pretty good and fun. Reading about it would be lame, you don't even know. I'm confusing you, aren't I?
Well anyway, today as I got off the bus to walk the rest of the way to my house, it smelt like one of those warm winter days, where Christmas is nearing and you can smell the pine from miles away. I suddenly found myself feeling really comfortable with where I was. Though I'm still not sure if I've found exactly where I "belong" or where I want to be, I am comfortable. I'm in a good place right now. The love life is complicated but I'm trying really hard to just go with the flow for once. And I think it's working pretty well for me!
Figured I'd write a blog though, since I haven't written one in a while.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

in the moment, it felt so right

"It's your Piscean vulnerability that makes you so attractive to others. It's also what has gotten you whacked so many times. You're attractive, yes, but you're not exactly right for the usual leading romantic roles. There usually has to be some tragic, ironic, weird, or science fiction twist to your love story, because no matter how many breast implants or hair plugs you get, you're just not the old-fashioned traditional guy-meets-girl-girl-kisses-guy-fade-out type of person. You'd like to be. You try to be, but you are not. You have an enormous yearning need to be loved and to have the security of a family. Maybe, probably, definitely, you didn't feel wanted, loved, nourished, and secure early enough, and it could well have impeded normal social development.

In high school it has to be awful to feel 'different,' but as you get older those same differences become your talent and your trademark. They can bring admiration and recognition from a world that appreciates and reveres your special talent and uniqueness. Of course, that other thing still lurks somewhere between your heart and your stomach. You're so sensitive to rejection and obsessed with having a 'normal' love relationship. Yet you can be so un-Piscean in your efforts to find love. Instead of being open and understanding and allowing the Universe to provide you with what you need, you can be moody, clinging, possessive, demanding, overattached, jealous, and dependent. Major turnoff. Instead of getting the love you need, you could actually destroy the moment. It's certainly not out of malice. It's out of the desire to protect and nurture those you love. It's just that dependency is such a touchy issue and you are still so sensitive about the mothering thing.

Sometimes you have to tear yourself away and go do your thing in the world. You do have a significant contribution you have to make. Your responsibilities to the world are on a bigger, more global scale, and will not permit you to indulge in as much ecstasy or personal grief as you may think you need. If allowed, you'd be swallowed up by either or both. Success awaits you, provided you can spend less time in self-indulgent searches for a mommy you never had.

At this point you need to probe more deeply into your obsession with being properly care for, to the point that you could become fiercely clinging and overattached to lovers or kids."

is forever enough?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but to me, religion is an idea. A bunch of people follow some random beliefs that may not even be real. They just believe it, so it must be true. Just because something is written in a book, doesn't make it true. Unless it is proven by scientists, I have no reason to believe in it. I'm sure when I say all this that some people will then say, "Oh, so you're basically saying you don't believe in love?" No, I definitely believe in love. Because I feel it. But I don't feel God. And I don't feel that being gay is a choice. Some people are just born that way. It's just the way it is. I don't feel that someone created me. I just feel like I exist. I will never know how but that is how I see it. For all I know, I could be a character in someone's dream. Or nightmare. Or maybe I'm someone's imaginary friend. And I have this elaborate life that my five year old pal tells her friends about. But the truth is, we don't know. Maybe we'll never know. Chances are we won't. Life is what it is. Why do we have to wonder so much? Why do we have to ask so many questions? Why do people have to know everything about everything? Why can't we just let things be?

On another note, I want to stop being so predictable. I need to stop being so predictable. I want to be spontaneous and exciting and fun and run through sprinklers in the cold of night when the stars are shining bright above me. I want to kiss a stranger and then run away so fast they think that it was just their imagination. I want to travel to a country that isn't very popular with a bunch of quarters and pass one out to every other five people that pass me by. I want to live. I feel like I'm missing out on some of the best parts of life.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

baby, you can drive my car

Even the way someone says they don't know know how to describe themselves, says more about them than they probably realize. The simplest six word sentence could tell a million things at once. I wish I was cool enough to have a podcast. But I think I would seriously annoy myself if I had one of those things. Plus, I'm not out of the house enough to experience life and share my feelings about random things that I see during my week. I only have six days left till I'm off grounding, and man am I excited!

Music is such an amazing thing. Music changes lives.

I don't know what else to say. Of course.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

i was so many things before being honest.

and i'll be so many more before i do it again.

I am still pretty upset about what happened with Tj, but honestly...I know I'll get over it. Sooner rather than later, I'd hope. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I totally didn't do any of my homework, as usual. But I stretched! I did lots of stretching and some little workouts for my abs. Then of course I had to go and ruin it by drinking a Dr.Pepper. But oh well. At least I did SOMETHING, you know? I need to start going to the gym. I have so many P.E. days to make up!!! My day was pretty good, considering I got to see Bobbi and Serina. And today in French, we watched Beauty and the Beast. Well, we didn't get to finish it but still! We stopped at one of the best songs though :[ "Be Our Guest" Oh, how I love Disney movies.

Anyway, it's time for me to shower and go to sleep. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

now it's gonna get harder,

and it's gonna burn brighter,
and it's gonna feel tougher each and every day

well i don't really know what to say. this has been a really blah night. just another one to add to all the others, lately. but whatever. i'll get over it when i get over it, right?

i'm gonna go watch tv and then do the dishes.
i have nothing else to say right now.
i wish i did.

don't even worry, you are never alone in this.

so more about what i was talking about earlier...

my biggest insecurity is that i feel like no one wants me. and i never feel like i'm good enough for anyone. i could get more into it but i don't feel like moping about it right now.

today, sarah assumed i was failing french. FRENCH. my best subject, by far. and sure she shrugged it off like she was joking, as usual with her, but i know her all too well and i assure you that she was not joking with me. i'm just so sick of coming home and getting nagged by my parents about school, and i really don't need it while i'm there, too!

i can't wait to switch to the hs@mc. i need to get out of this stupid town more often, and that will definitely help.

basically, my parents thinking so lowly of me makes me wanna continue doing poorly because i want them to believe in me and let me do things on my own. if they didn't nag me all the time, i think it might actually set in that i need to get my shit together or else....but with them nagging me so much, i feel like nobody believes in me anymore and so i don't feel good enough.

and i don't feel like anyone wants me because i'm so used to being the annoying girl who gets attached easily. i'm annoying because i act like a little kid. i act like a little kid because my parents treat me like one. so you can see, all my problems come back to my parents.

P.S. i hate when parents say "i didn't raise you that way." YOU DON'T TURN OUT HOW YOU PARENTS RAISE YOU TO BE. i mean sure that might have some influence on who you become later in life, but not nearly as much as school, your friends, the media, and sometimes drugs/alcohol influence who you come to be. i still don't know who i am or where i belong yet, but i'm finding my way. what more could i ask for? besides someone i can love. but even so, love and self-discovery are two things i'm willing to wait for.

if it's not too late for coffee, i'll be at your place in ten.

i had such a long phone call with bobbi last night, and i could on and on about it and tell you in detail what we talked about i don't have time right now. to shorten it up, i find out a little bit more about myself each and every day. and my parents are the cause of my problems. they main not be the main cause, but every little thing has it's way of going back to them. seriously.

i have to go finish getting ready so i can catch the bus.

i'll definitely be posting a blog later today/tonight, though.

Monday, October 20, 2008

i'm dying for a place in your heart

i'm trying out a new blog site.
i never seem to keep up with blogging,
especially when i say i will.
so i'm not gonna say "this time, for real,"
because i don't know that i'll keep my promise.

today was okay, i guess.
got to school late yet again.
watched movies in my first two classes.
p.e. was cool and i hit the ball on my first try! (softball)
french was, well, french.
madame rossy annoys the shit outta me sometimes.
her and her stupid little songs.
lunch was fun. i love nicole.
geometry was very very boring.
and bio was okay in the end.
i wish i still sat next to laura, though!!
afterschool i came home and made some mac & cheese.
after i ate it, i passed out on the couch.

taco tuesday is tomorrow.
i can't decide yet if i'm excited or not.

i should probably go take a shower now.

(don't worry, not all my blogs will be boring like this)