Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i'm quite the joke to you

I am so stressed lately, and I'm so nervous and scared that I'm not going to get into the High School @ Moorpark College. It would be such a good thing for me, and I really want it. Like, I haven't wanted anything this bad in a really long time.

My mom was yelling at me earlier about how I never do what she asks me to and I was mad and arguing with her because she always interrupts me and changes the subject to what she wants from me. I already had a bad day and told her she wasn't making it any better. She told me to go in my room after I was done eating and I said that I was planning on doing that anything. She just came in and asked me for a hug. I asked her why she always does that after we have a fight. I said it's annoying. I told her what is going on this weekend. We didn't hug. She said goodnight and left. As soon as she left, I turned up my music and started crying.

No one gets it. I am so stressed and depressed about everything lately and the only thing to make me smile (only on the inside) in the last ten minutes is the fact that "stressed" and "depressed" rhyme. I need someone. I know I have my family and my friends and they are always there, and I have so many people I could talk to about my issues. But I still feel like nobody completely understands. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who will ever get it. And I don't want to go through life without someone. I'm so afraid of being alone, yet when I'm alone my true feelings come out. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of being alone. I hate being this way. I hate showing how I really feel. I like to hide. I like to escape.

On the board in Mr.Aurand's room today, the daily quote said "The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." I literally walked in, sat in my desk, read the board, and glared at the quote.

Escape is my reality. I don't know how to live any other way. Help!

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

i'm soooo beyond excited.