i'm only fooling myself

It's nice to have secrets from people. FINALLY.

I'll write more tomorrow.

i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

We are so alike. Especially the way our minds work. You make me feel so comfortable and giggly. It should feel wrong, but it doesn't. I deserve to be happy, too. It's not even that I like you. I don't know you well enough yet. But you read my mind like no one else can. I keep trying to figure you out, but you told me there's nothing to figure out. You put everything out on the table. I like that. It's something new. Right now, I'm just living in the moment. I have fun with you and that's all that matters to me. It doesn't even matter what anyone else thinks. I am smiling and I will continue to smile.

Truth.

1. I feel like we're drifting apart, and I don't know what to do about it. I think it's because of him, and I hate saying that because I know you're happy...but I really think that's the reason. I liked you better when you were single. Is that so horrible of me? I'm glad you're happy and oh so in love, but I want to go back when I was the one person that could make you laugh and smile when you were having a bad day. Your best friend. Not the second person. Especially since he sees you ten times more each week than I do.

2. You're a really nice guy, and I have fun when we hang out. But I am not ready to even start seeing someone, and I don't want to give you the wrong idea. I need to focus on myself right now. I don't like who I am as a person, let alone love, and I need to change that. I need me-time. I really am so sorry. On the possibly-one-day-bright-side, if it's meant to be, it will happen...eventually.

3. Your story doesn't match up with hers. I need you to tell me the truth. I need you to tell me which of you is lying. I don't care if it's you, I won't be mad. What happened with that whole thing...it saved me. I honestly don't know where I'd be if it hadn't happened. Far, far, much farther down this road, I'm sure. I need closure. I need to know the truth.

4. I need you. And you need me. We need each other. I wish you weren't grounded. There is so much I have to tell you...I don't even know where to start. Sorry I haven't been texting lately. I haven't really been texting too many people lately, so you're not the only one. Don't worry. I love you and I miss you and like I said, I need you. I am lost. I am still so lost.

5. I hope you don't look down upon me for what I did. I know you feel awkward about the whole situation, and so do I. But shit happens. I love you and I hope you still love me. We're family. And we always will be. Right?

6. I hate that you're back to ignoring me. I thought we were finally okay. Just because he's out, it's gonna start back up again? I know I tried to make amends with him, and I will continue to try, but why do you have to ignore me because of it? You even finally said you loved me again...



I might write more later...but I need to shower and eat breakfast.

Having parties at your own house is the most exhausting thing ever.

Kyle Dietz's mother and father are my two favorite people on the planet.

I don't know if it is all the alcohol I drank on Saturday night, or if I'm getting sick, but I've been having stomach issues the past two days. Pepto Bismol isn't helping and you're not supposed to use it for more than 2 days, so I don't know what to do. Sorry if that's too much information for your liking, but I am worried.

I have so much more to say, but no time to say it.

Gym, kindergartners, school work, and then home sweet home.

i won't leave this way again

My Daily Extended horoscope for today, from Yahoo, sounds really great:

"Your intense emotions are starting to mellow out quite a bit today, which should make your day a very easy one compared to recent weeks. Instead of getting worried that things aren't going to go the way you want them to go, you will be able to relax and accept things as they are. Clarity is now controlling your thought processes, not confusion. This means that you will be able to see every challenge as an opportunity, instead of a test you have to pass. Happiness is much easier to achieve."

Mmmmm.

what's next?

I'm sorry, but I hate how one day she pisses you off and the next you are all buddy-buddy with her.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand how fake you are towards me.
I'm sorry, but it really wasn't fucking fair and you know it.

Actually, I'm not sorry.



Today I wrote a poem. I think it's pretty lame, but here goes...

Maybe

Maybe there's an answer,
Maybe there's a way,
Maybe he will stick around for just one more day.

Maybe I can sing,
Maybe I can dance,
Maybe he will decide to give it another chance.

Maybe we will find it,
Maybe we won't,
Maybe we already know...maybe we don't.

-Janae Lewis

birthdays are not stupid

I am turning 17 this year and I want to make it one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Friday, the 27th (my actual birthday), I am going to Disneyland with Jessica and Tiffany. Since I get in free on my birthday! Go sign up, and you can too! Saturday I'm not sure what I'm doing but I want to have a really exciting, adventurous day and an even better night. Sunday I would like to relax and maybe go to the beach with a large group of friends. That sounds like a fantastic birthday to me. I don't want any drama on my birthday or during my birthday weekend and I hope there is none. But we'll see.

I look really cute and chic today. Hehe. I love my new coat!